


Blackout

by Superdillin



Series: Epilogue [3]
Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Angst, F/F, F/M, Halamshiral, M/M, Skyhold, Val Royeaux, pavellan - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-12
Updated: 2017-02-19
Packaged: 2018-09-08 01:52:56
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 12
Words: 27,301
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8825590
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Superdillin/pseuds/Superdillin
Summary: Seren blacks out from the pain in his arm after his last encounter with Solas. This was a one-shot turned story, of life post Trespasser for Seren and Dorian.  Occasional, eventual smut.  Mostly good, warm fluff though.  Excessive use of creative Elven.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, so I actually liked this one so I shouldn't be surprised that I accidentally deleted it. But, I'm adding more chapters this time.

I don’t remember going backward through the Elluvian. I remembered Solas’ parting words causing time to slow and my vision to tunnel. I wanted to protest and beg him  _my friend, Hahren, please, just give us more time. We can fix this, just this one thing, something._ He wouldn’t have listened but still I tried to get out the words, but I could only focus on the shock and pain.

The pain. For long minutes I did not know that the pain was physical, I was still reeling from the hot sting of his betrayal. My friend, the man who’s opinion I held higher than any of my advisors. The man without whom I would have been dead in a cell four years ago. The vision of him walking away from me once more was all the pain I could bear until I realized, my arm. Had he fixed it, or caused it to flare one final time to consume me? Delirious I staggered to my feet, afraid to look, knowing that if it was the latter I had to get back to Dorian one last time, to all of them. I remember making my way, staggering, to the Elluvian and then I looked down at my arm. The green fire was engulfing it entirely, far past where the mark had previously spread, and the sight of it made me sure.

_After all that, Seren. After all the good you tried to do, did do. You die here, not unlike Ameridan. Betrayed, alone, stuck between worlds._

After that, there’s a gap. For all I could tell, I collapsed right through the Elluvian itself, I’m sure no small horror to the friends and lover I left behind when I went through. What I do remember was Cole, whispering to me in the fade. I couldn’t see him, but I heard his voice clear as day.

“Stay here for now,” He’d said. “You don’t want to wake up yet, you don’t want to remember this.”

Don’t take the memory from me, Cole. I need to remember. I need to save him.

“I know. He knows. Just wait here, a little while longer.” I knew he was touching me but could not feel him. I realized I was being carried, and voices were shouting in chaos that seemed miles away. I tried to make out the words, to hear what was happening to me.

_C'mon Boss. Horns up_

_Clear a path! The Inquisitor, he needs help!_

_Amatus, please. We’re almost there._

We’d made it back, and my team was alive. If this was the end I wasn’t spending my last moments with them unconscious. _Cole. Get me out, please._ My eyes shot wide open and I gasped for air several times before the pain stole every molecule of air from my lungs.

I knew I was screaming, and in that moment that’s all I knew. Bull dropped me from his shoulders onto a table somewhere and I felt someone slip behind me, wrapping their arms around my neck from behind. My Dorian, his smell was the first thing to calm me and I managed to kiss his hand, but I could not get the words out.  _Cole, tell him, please tell him_

“He’s wishing, afraid, he wants to say goodbye but not now, not forever. You have to go but he doesn’t want to be gone before you do.“ _My sweet Cole, thank the Creators for you._

“Amatus, no” Dorian whispered against my cheek. “You’re not going to die on me. You lived. We survived. After this, you’ll have all your long life to hate me for leaving to Tevinter. It’s not over.” He repeated the last line over and over in muffled cries against my cheek. “It’s not over, it’s not over.” What was happening? I managed to open my eyes long enough to see.

My arm, the fingers were gone, and a grey pile of ash was forming at the end of my hand on the table as the green fire still consumed the rest of my arm.My arm is burning off?!? Fen Harel, dammit Solas, do you delight in this?

“Oh, shit, piss, fuck the Maker what happened!” Sera, her voice was high and shaking like it was when we were in the fade. Oh, god, this must be terrifying her.

“Sera, we need one of your delightful tonics, for pain, if you would be so kind.” My Vhenan was playing at his coolest voice but I heard his heartbreak. “Our fearless leader has really stepped in it this time.”

Normally, I wouldn’t drink something from Sera’s bag with a knife to my ears but if she had something that would stop this searing pain…I’ll risk it. She handed the flask to Dorian and he pressed it to my lips. “Drink, Amatus, please,” I looked back at my hand. Most of my palm was burned away to ash now.

I drank it all in seconds, and it felt like it took less than that to take me away. It was quiet, the pain was quiet. I could see and hear the world around me but it was as though I were peering at the world through the veil from the fade. Bull was guarding the door of…where were we? The tavern? Sera was over at the bar, with Rainier, drinking and leaning on one another. Leliana, our sweet Divine, knelt in prayer beside the table I laid upon. Cullen paced back and forth near the doorway Bull was keeping watch under. Past them I heard Vivienne and Josephine outside, their beautiful voices hard at work doing damage control. Varric was a few tables away, writing, but looking up and shouting expletives every few moments. Cassandra was holding Dorian’s hand as he held mine. They were both crying quietly. These people, what would I do without them? What would the world have done without them?

Well, Dorian and I alone knew the answer to that. But it wasn’t right. They’d been perfect, they still are. My delirium was taking me further away as I heard Cole, relaying my thoughts to them for me. bless him.

“He’s okay now. He can’t feel the pain or the betrayal now, he hears us, sees us, he loves us and all he can feel is thankful.”

He was almost right. I could feel the betrayal, though it was muted like the rest of the world. I promised I would save Solas, I promised I would find him and convince him he didn’t have to do this. But what kind of promise is that? How in Andraste’s fucking name was I going to find a would-be god who did not wish to be found? I loved him, I trusted him. I…see him?

No, that couldn’t be, what the hell was in this concoction you made, Sera? I saw him, in my mind but it felt real. Far away, he was crouched in the ancient armour I saw him in before, clutching his staff. He didn’t seem to see me, his eyes were closed and his lips were moving, as if he were praying. I tried to reach out to him, call out his name and beg him to come home to us. But I was immobile and mute. So I just looked on and wondered what he was praying, or who he was praying it to, for what seemed like eternity, until I heard Cole’s voice in my ear once more.

“I don’t want to do this anymore, Da'len, but I fear it is too late. If there is anyone who can help me, it is surely you. Banal Nadas.” I shot up, now fully awake, hyperventilating at the weight of Cole’s words. Solas’ words.

I was no longer in the tavern, surrounded by my friends and advisors, I was my bed. No, not my bed. The bed in my room at Halamshiral. The sound of my waking panic woke Dorian from his sleep beside me.

“I’ve got you, Amatus” he breathed as he grabbed onto me. “Are you alright?” Oh that face, I thought I’d seen it for the last time when I went through that blasted Elluvian.

“I was in the fade, or dreaming, or both. I saw –” I had lifted up my hand to grab his beautiful face and sooth those worried lines creasing his brow but I felt myself go white when my hand did not stretch out in front of me. In the panic of my dream and the shock of waking from it I’d forgotten. I looked down at the outstretched stump wrapped in bandages and a wave crashed over me.

“Look at me Amatus, Seren, it’s over and it’s okay.” I tried to turn my head to him and let him comfort me but my arm…“The mark is finally gone, you’re free from that curse - that burden -, you’re alive and I’m alive and it’s nothing less than marvelous, do you hear me?” I took a deep breath and turned my head, forcing myself to look away and face him instead. His eyes were damp and red, and wrought with worry. I shifted in the bed and lifted my remaining hand up to sooth his face. My favorite face.

“I hope you don’t plan to make a habit out of all this honest emotion, Dorian. Hardly befitting a Magister.” I strained to force a smile, but he caught on to me.

“Four years, you’ve carried us all,” he held my face in his hands, pulling himself in to kiss me everywhere but my lips. “and me, most of all. You’ve been strong a million times for all of our sake and you do not have to any longer. When Varric and Cassandra fought. When we discovered Ranier’s lie. When the Revered Mother all but spat on our budding relationship. When you were forced to judge souls you felt you had no right to judge. When we were sure we were losing. When we lost Haven. When your clan fell.” My face was sinking into his hands as I slowly shed the armour, my eyes and my soul felt heavy with fatigue. “When Solas vanished. When I left. Maker, Seren, when I told you I was going back for good you barely let a single grimace slip before you hurried to throw support at me. I can not allow you to wear those burdens for one more minute. Not alone.”

I collapsed against him and he caught me. It was not one singular wave this time, but a whole storm coast full of them, coming over me, overwhelming me. I felt that he was right. That the loss of my arm, and therefore the anchor, meant I was a person again.  _Thank the Maker, Thank the Creators, thank whoever for this beautiful man._  I grabbed onto his neck and let myself sob into his chest until the exhaustion brought me back to the fade.


	2. I Could Hardly Abandon You Now

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Seren accepts that it's time to move forward, and starts building a new plan for life after the Inquisition.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is helping me work through so many of my own angsty issues, and if anyone out there enjoys it, I'm doubly overwhelmed.

"Seren," Dorian startled me, as I was too lost in thought to be aware of my surroundings.  "I've just spoken to Leliana, apparently her birds work quite quickly.  Dagna's hard at work crafting something...special for you.  A foci you can yield one-handed.  I'm sure you'll be just as terrifying as ever with whatever madness she creates." 

I couldn't help but laugh, his timing too good.  As he's sure I'll be back in fighting shape, I was sitting at the desk in our room in Val Royeaux, struggling even to write a letter with my weaker - and now only - hand.  "I could terrify my enemies with a piece of parchment, in this state I'm afraid." I lifted up my handiwork to show him.  

"I hate to be the bearer of bad news, Amatus," he kissed my cheek, lingering there a moment longer.  "But your left hand penmanship wasn't much better.  They didn't name you Inquisitor because of your skills with the  _pen_." 

I chuckled at his joke, but his face was sullen.  Right, I keep forgetting.  "So...when do you leave, Vhenan?"  He sat upon the bed and I abandoned my failed letters to join him.

"First light.  Amatus I ---" I kissed him to fight the urge creeping up in me, the desire to beg him to stay, to come back to Skyhold with me, to damn Tevinter.  "Not that I mind, Amatus, but now I've gone and forgotten what it was I had to say." 

"Now, we both know that's not true."

"It was all going to be so dramatic and romantic, declarations of grandeur and all that," He flourished his hands, as he often did. "How I wouldn't let our separation be in vain, how one day we'd be together and our only enemy would be whatever dreadful hobby you decide to pick up in my absence." 

"I'm betting it's nug breading.  I could have a whole army by the time I see you again, I'm sure." Cold, too cold.  Don't do that, Lavellan.  Too late, his face looks as though he's been stung.  "I have a plan you know," I said, pulling him down to the bed with me, kissing his neck and cheek and mouth and speaking directly to his skin.  "I won't let it be that long for us."

He started kissing me back, his worry lines relaxing.  I had hoped to tell him about the plan, but that could wait until later..

\----

It was easier to fall asleep with Dorian beside me, and even though on our last night together I wanted so badly to stay awake and memorize his shape, I had missed his warmth too much to pass up on the pleasant sleep it gave me.  

My dreams were not as kind.  It was vivid and unsettling, I felt like a spirit watching over my memories from afar.  And I knew instantly of what memory I was recalling.  The night Skyhold received word of what became of Clan Lavellan, I felt I had no one to run to.  I wrongly assumed Dorian would not have understood, and I went to the only person I felt I could at the time.  Running into the rotunda I froze.  

"Da'len?" He looked at me, more puzzled than concerned at first.  The words simply would not come out, the thoughts and images in my head weakening my knees.  I stumbled to the wall, gripping it to guide myself to the floor.  He was the only person I could be weak in front of.  At the time I was still convinced that one outburst, one wrong move would have me made Tranquil and dragged across Thedas to close the rifts as little more than a tool.  But he ran to me, knelt down and gripped my hands in his own.  "Da'len, please, what's happened?"

"Clan Lavellan is dead." I remember the sting of those tears so vividly that they still hurt on my cheeks even now.  "I chose wrong, I erred, and they are gone." Solas remained silent for a long time, but kept a strong grip on my hands as if to steady me.  

"Ir abelas, Da'len." He finally whispered to me.  He stayed with me there, for most of the night.  He just let me mourn, without trying to show me how.  This memory was oddly comforting until this moment, where it seemed to stop - frozen in time.  My sobs and shakes ceased, with a tear mid drop to the floor from my chin.  And Solas turned around to look directly at me, the present me.  

"The fade..." I was suddenly so sure and aware.  Of course this was no dream, I was spectating, seeing things I would have no memory of like the worry on Solas' face as he consoled me.  *Fool*. 

"I almost told you the truth that night, friend.  It was there on my lips for a moment before I thought the better of it.  Now I find myself wishing I had gone through with it."

"If we're wishing for things regarding this memory, I have a few things I would change as well..." I looked over to the crumpled parchment clutched in the hands of my memory, the notice about my clan.  "It's not too late, Hahren.  Together we are stronger, we could find another way." My tone wasn't begging, I knew his stubborn mind was too far down this path already.  But I had to try.  Everything and anything.

He just...softly smiled and let out the smallest chuckle as if he were amazed.  "You know how to find me, Da'len." With that I awoke, breathless again and this time with unbearable shooting pains down my arm. 

 Wait, no, that's not right.  I tried to grab at the pain but it was nowhere.  My amputated arm was aching, so much so that I forgot it was gone.  I cried out, partially from the pain itself and partially from the madness.  Dorian wasn't next to me when I woke, but he came as I cried out. 

"Amatus, Seren, what's wrong?  What's happening?" His eyes travelled to see my right hand gripping at the air and blankets where my left hand used to be.  He stilled my hand with his and crawled into the bed next to me.

"It hurts, Dorian.  It's not even there and it hurts.  How in Andraste's arse is that fair? Or possible?" It started to subside, slowly, and I focused on breathing deeply.  "I'm sorry." _shake it off, Lavellan.  No arm, no pain, shake it off._ "I saw Solas again.  He's communicating with me in the fade.  He's not beyond help yet.". Dorian furrowed his brow in worry, and possibly anger.  

"Seren, please be careful.  I cared for him too, but he's proven that trusting him is a risk that costs a heavy price," His eyes moved to my bandaged stump for clarity.  "Is this what your plan is about?"

"No, actually," I said, holding his face in my right hand, drawing his eyes back to me.  "Varric has a friend he wants me to meet, and a residence of my own in Kirkwall.  The Inquisition is a dissolved institution, but our people, the soul of the Inquisition, remain.  And for now, our efforts belong to you whatever might aid you."

"Amatus," he kissed the word into my mouth.  "I would tell you to be careful, but you'll do what you please anyway, won't you?" I nodded and kissed him back, sinking in...forgetting.  "I'm due for departure.  Tell me every excruciating detail via crystal to distract me from my lonesome trip back to Minrathous?" He was smiling and sounded as if we were saying goodbye for one of our week-long missions.  But his eyes were wet and red where they ought to be white.

I wanted to help him pack and ready himself for his journey, but in addition to my newfound handicap, I knew that every moment we drew closer to this...even longer separation, the more at risk I was to collapsing and dissolving into a pathetic beggar.  Instead, I kept to my right-handed practice until it was time.  We met at the gates of Val Royeaux, where a crowd mixed with grateful supporters, vengeful dissenters, and eager gossipers had gathered.  Before he saddled up to leave, I pulled him in for one more desperate kiss.  I wanted him to leave here knowing fully that I was proud to be his before he went back to that place where he had to hide himself.


	3. I Could Hardly Abandon You Now

Dorian was still on his journey to Minrathous when we departed back to Skyhold the next morning.  Skyhold was not being taken from us, but with the Inquisition disbanded we could not go on operating there as we were.  It was being relinquished to the Chantry as a camp for refugees, which is largely what it had become over the last two years anyway.  I was heading back to give a very inspiring speech to our faithful, and to decide what should stay and what should move on with us.  This hold wasn't ever truly ours anyway, it was something we were given in a time of need by Fen Harel, in retrospect.  

"You have no idea what you're going to say, do you?" Dorian's voice sounded so perfectly clear through the crystal around my neck.  "Just making it up as you go?  The great Herald of Andraste winging it again, as always." 

"Well I was planning to write something inspiring but I figured, why change my habits now when they've gotten me this far?" I joked, looking down at the parchment full of scratched out clichés in my lap.  "Besides, if I can't rally them, Cullen will still be there to yell something inspiring."

After the speech and the delegations, I'd be heading to Kirkwall.  Varric was already on his way back there, informing Hawke and her lover, this "Fenris" I'm meant to meet of my arrival.  Leliana also had more plans she had yet to share in full, a location she had yet to divulge for us to use in our new...efforts.  

"Amazing how the Inquisition is officially disbanded, yet still planning to save the world." He was feigning surprise with his best snark.

"Yes, well, it's amazing that Divine Leliana has the energy after all this to split her time between the Chantry and full time spymaster duties." I hushed my voice in exaggerated paranoia. "Though, if you ask me, she's training her replacement in that regard.  I'd voice my thoughts in more detail but I'm afraid my ankles might be cut." 

I'd closed the last known rift over six months ago, but I still wasn't used to riding without my staff drawn.  Without my arm, even less so.  To be laughing and joking with Dorian during our travels, it felt surreal but wonderfully so.  This may not be what I quietly hoped for us, but it was so much better than what I'd come to expect.  

\-----

I felt embarrassment when I realized how little in Skyhold was actually *mine*.  When I packed, it was largely trinkets collected from our travels around Thedas.  Old wine bottles, and some pieces of ancient art that no one really cared about.  My quarters had been decorated by Josephine in an attempt to make me feel like I fit into the role I was meant to. And honestly, she had done an incredible job.  She had faith in me, but never forced me to share the same faith everyone else did.  She helped me find my own reasons to lead.  I missed her.  

"You know Josephine, Amatus, she'll write you even more than I will.  I'm sure there will already be a raven waiting for you in Kirkwall when you arrive."

Still, I packed up my collection of items and left the rest as it were.  Next, to the library.  

"We only have one caravan to send to you, Dorian." I scolded.

"Look, I'd like to cut the list down but this is already my biggest compromise," mocking me, as always.

"You said, simply, "all of them." When I first posed the question." I knew he had a better library awaiting him in Minrathous, one with all of these books and so many more at his immediate disposal.  He'd never say it, but this was sentiment to him.  That library, where we fought to defend our relationship, shared our first kiss and countless others, where we had gotten to know each other.  I felt all of that, but standing here now, facing his chair, I remembered him telling me he was leaving.  After.  After the threat is gone, he'll be gone.   _Wow, take a seat Lavellan_ , I wavered and fell into place in Dorian's chair.  

"Well, fine then, I want as many as you can salvage from that dreadful, dreary library down in the underbelly.  Those books on Elven history and language will be exceedingly useful." I could hear his smile in his words but was stuck remembering the agony of the last two years apart.  The wondering, the waiting, the second-guessing.  It was amazing, I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that my Dorian had meant every word he'd said in regards to reform in Tevinter.  I knew he didn't want allow me to come because I'd been dead or enslaved in mere minutes.  I knew these things but it never really felt any better.  

I made a list of the books to be sent to Minrathous, and stole away a few that I needed myself.  After that I made my way to the Undercroft to visit Dagna.  She'd been hard at work and was practically giddy to show me what she'd made.  Her work was always exquisite, and while I had doubts that I'd ever be able to fight again, I figured that I should trust her to come up with something.  

"Inquisitor!" She hopped up to great me and the smile took over her face.  

"Dagna, please, the Inquisition is done with, please call me Seren?" I can't say I was happy about dismantling our organization but my heart was flying every time someone called me by my actual _name_.  

"Seren," Her grin turned mischievous.  "You are gonna love this."

Maker's balls, she was right.  What she handed me was a smooth orb crafted from fade crystal, small enough to hold in my hand.  It was encircled by two orbiting dragonbone blades that went all the way around it, one inside the other.  The outer blade had one dull, rounded section, wrapped in leathers like a handle.  Under the leather wraps I could see the glow of a rune.  "It's a returning enchantment," she explained, almost laughing she was so excited.  "You can cast with it in your hands as normal, but if you need to you can throw it right at 'em, and that handle will always come back to your hand.  Long as you wear this from now on." That's when she showed me the leather glove with the same rune embedded in the wrist.  Harrit had addended all my best armor and a few of my regular coats with a special clasp on the right side just for this.  

With the glove on the orb felt exceedingly *right* in my hand, like it was drawing from me.  Cullen had a section of the training yard partitioned for me to train in, once I get my strength back.  For now, it's at least a few more weeks of recovery.  

\------

"I should be able to use my magic to control where it goes when I throw it." I was in bed, weak and weary from the day and the travel.  Dorian still had one more day left on his trip, but he'd be sleeping soon as well.

"I positively _need_ to see this marvel, Amatus.  Please don't get yourself killed trying to learn how to control it, will you?  At least not until I've gotten a chance to see you use it."

I tried to laugh but there was no joy behind it.  I felt myself cringe slightly from the fake sound that had escaped me.  I held my breath a moment hoping that Dorian would not notice.  But that was a silly wish.  

"How are you feeling?"

"I don't want to lie to you, Dorian." 

"Well, how convenient," he joked.  "I rather hate being lied to."

I turned on my side to clutch the bed where he should be.  "I am not dealing with this well.  I know your reasons for leaving me behind, and even though I disagree, I understand.  It's just that everything has slipped away too quickly and all at once.  During the two years you were gone, I spent so much of it looking forward to the time when it would be over.  I felt like I could see our future in the distance.  Now...I..." _What can I say?  I am largely convinced that we'll never be together?  I'm terrified that you won't want me even if you succeed in fixing Tevinter? I have no real plan beyond 'go to Kirkwall, meet one of Varric's friends?'_

"oh, Amatus no," he sounded devastated.  "This separation has an end, even if it is not in sight now.  I should never have been so cold back at Halamshiral.  I was...trying to protect myself, I think.  I think I did more damage than I ever would have wanted.  I miss you too much already and I'm going to spend an awful lot of time kicking myself for all these blasted good intentions I'm cursed with." 

The comfort of his reassurance let me laugh, for real this time.  "Ma serannas, Vhenan," I sighed.  "I think I needed to hear that.  I'd better try to sleep, Cullen has me practicing with this new foci bright and early, before there are too many people around for me to accidentally maim."

"Sweet dreams, Amatus.  Try not to die, I would miss you."

As our stones deactivated I took a deep breath and turned my attention to the bedside table.  Or rather, the book upon it. _"Dreamers: Exploring the Fade"_


	4. The Keeper

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Seren practices traveling in the fade, and using his new one-handed foci.

I had never purposefully traveled the Fade in my dreams before. Solas had taken me there a few times, before. And more recently I’m fairly sure that the pain and stress are more at fault for bringing me there than my own will. I know that this is the best way to find Solas. And if I can learn to control how and when we communicate, I can hopefully keep him there long enough to find a way to stop this. But I must start slowly.

 

The books I’ve read all say that travelling to a specific place in the fade becomes easier if you can use a memory of importance to bring you there. So that night, as I slowly drifted away to sleep, I focused my mind on another important memory.

 

When I began dreaming it took me a few moments to realize that it had worked, I was there in the Fade, on purpose this time. But I wasn’t quite where I was supposed to be. I had wanted to see the night I finally told Dorian about my clan, but we had been in my quarters when that conversation happened and right now I stood in his favorite corner of the library, where he often stayed up late reading and researching. The memory of him rounded the corner now, as I stood, and it took my breath away to see his visage there.

 

I almost reached out to him before reminding myself, _He’s just a memory, Seren. Not the real Dorian._ I was about to attempt to change the memory, to move to the right one as I’d planned, when I heard the commotion going on down the center of the rotunda. It was Solas voice, sounding worried.

 

“Da’len?”

 

I looked over the railing to see what memory this was, when I saw Dorian do the same. It was me, down there, coming to Solas with the news of my clan. It was the same memory I’d walked through before, but I was seeing it from a different place. I was seeing it the way Dorian had. I did not know he’d seen this.

 

“Clan Lavellan is dead.” Hearing my own voice in these memories is still unnerving, but my attention was focused more on Dorian, this time. His hand covered his mouth the instant he heard me say that to Solas. "I chose wrong, I erred, and they are gone."

 

Dorian stepped away from the rail, and was pacing back and forth a few moments. He went over to the staircase and hesitated there, running his fingers through his hair in thought. He’s deciding whether or not to come down and see me. Eventually though, he backs away, retreating to his alcove and has a seat, his hand still over he mouth and his brow furrowed in worry.

 

I wanted so badly to touch him, to tell him that he couldn’t have helped me that night, and that when I did tell him, he was the only person who made the pain more bearable. I even reached my fingers out to him only to see them pass through.

 

_Dammit, Lavellan, you didn't do this to watch old painful memories, you have to focus._ I needed to travel, to change the location and time on purpose and get to where I had originally planned to go. I drowned out all the sounds and emotions that bombarded me and truly focused on the memory. _My quarters, one night from this one, Dorian was there waiting for me when I arrived…_

 

As I concentrated, the fade started to shift around me. I was there, in my quarters at Skyhold, and Dorian was reading a book by the fireplace. The door slammed shut down and I could hear my own footsteps making their way up. I didn’t know him well enough yet, not enough to tell that when he greeted me that night, his chipper tone was masking his anxieties. Now, though, I heard it so plainly.

 

“Ah, Amatus, I’m so glad you’re back. I stole some of the good wine, and I do hate drinking alone.” He was smiling when he gestured to the poured glasses on the writing desk. My visage shuffled over and held the glass like it was precious, drinking half of it in one gulp before placing it down and going to Dorian’s embrace.

 

“I have to tell you something, Vhenan.” My voice was cracking already.

 

“Do you now? Anything you need, Seren. Let’s hear it then.” He ran his free hand through my hair and I could almost feel him for real.

 

“My entire clan is dead, and it is my fault.” I was crying now, trying to hold some of it back but failing. “My sister, my Keeper, my mother's...everyone.” He planted a kiss on my forehead and took me and the wine over to the couch by the fire. He refilled my glass, covered me with a blanket and sat down next to me. _He’d set this up, how could I not have realized? Creators, he is wonderful._

 

“Tell me everything, Amatus. What happened?”

 

I didn’t want to hear this story again, although now I did crave that incredible wine and the handsome man who was feeding it to me. I’d accomplished what I meant to. This was a good first attempt. It was time to _wake up._

 

\-------

 

When I awoke the phantom pains were there, though weaker than the morning previous by just a slight amount. The healers had shown me some breathing exercises to use while I wait for them to pass, so I tried them each day upon waking. They didn’t work, but it made me feel like I was doing something.

 

It was just before sunrise when the pains subsided, so it was time to armor up and learn how to be a useful mage again. When I stood up to get dressed I looked down and saw that my crystal was glowing. I whispered to activate it and Dorian’s message played.

 

“Good morning, Amatus. We made it to Minrathous a few hours ahead of schedule but apparently pomp and ceremony could not wait until a more gracious hour. I’ll try you again later on. Best of luck today, I can’t wait to hear how many innocent nugs die on your first day.”

 

I rolled my eyes and smiled before tucking the crystal into my undershirt and piling on the rest of my armour.

 

\-------

 

To my surprise, it wasn’t difficult at all to get my aim and ease of casting back with this orb, but it was more powerful than any staff I’d ever used. Dagna really outdid herself here. I have to learn to temper my magic, to only use what is necessary for each spell. My first lightning bolt left a crater in the courtyard.

 

At the end of the first hour, however, I was able to cast a few spells at the right temperament, maybe with more power behind them than I’d ever been capable of. But I felt good, if I kept going at this rate, a few spells a day, I’d be back in fighting shape soon after all.

 

“You haven’t even tried the best part yet, Seren!” Dagna called out from a safe distance on the steps to Skyhold. “Come on! I want to see her fly!”

 

This part I’d been nervous about. I have no aim with projectiles, I can barely get one of Sera’s bombs to hit a target. Thankfully bees are a little forgiving when it comes to aim. But this?

 

“Use your magicky shite, titsferbrains!” Sera giggled from behind her girlfriend. _Oh._

 

I attempted to focus my energy on one of the target dummies Cullen had set up. It was wearing simple chain link armour, head to toe. Focusing on it as if I were casting a spell, I pulled my arm back and let the damn thing fly. My eyes weren’t even open, they were shut hard.

 

The Courtyard went silent as the bladed orb flew from my hand, directly through the neck of the training dummy, slicing its head clean off, and then flying quickly but safely back to my hand. When I caught it, the head from the dummy was still rolling across the yard.

 

_Yeah, this is gonna be just fine._

 

\--------

 

“Dagna, this thing is beyond amazing. _You_ are beyond amazing. I can’t thank you enough.” The remaining bits of the Inquisition all gathered at the tavern for drinks later that day, our first chance for that since before all the shit hit the fan at Halamshiral. Sera and Dagna, Bull and the Chargers, Cullen and some pretty mage I’d never seen before that he’s clearly sweet on. We even got Josephine to join us. Cole popped in and out, mostly when painful topics reared their heads.

 

“My widdle is the most amazing at magic whatevers and she isn’t even a stupid mage!” Sera threw her arm around Dagna and giggled tipsy kisses on her cheeks.

 

“I’m inclined to agree, Sera. I’ve never seen it’s equal.” A barmaid graciously refilled my tankard and I happily accepted. “Do you have a name for this thing?”

 

“Pfft!” She laughed again. “Come on, it’s bad luck to yield a weapon you haven’t named yourself.”

 

“It should sound as deadly and as intimidating as it is, Boss.” Bull lifted his stein. “What about _The Purifier_.”

 

“How about we called it “The Dread Wolf” and let old egg face get all confused.” She lifted her mug in a sarcastic cheers. “For Elven Glory!”

 

“Ahem,” Josephine so meekly cleared her throat. “What if we named it in homage to some of those we’ve lost along the way. As a symbol, or an ode to never forget.” She glanced up at me, barely meeting my eyes.

 

The boy-like figure appears in a flash to whisper in our ears.

 

_He never blamed you, you only each blamed yourselves. He knows you did your best and he’s better now, in part because of you. He loves you._

_She never stopped blaming herself, and she had no one to take away her guilt. She still wishes she could take it back, to try again. She loves you._

 

And the boy was gone again.

 

“Actually, Josie, that’s a great idea. In our clans, The Keeper is the one tasked with preserving what little we had of our old culture. It’s what I was originally meant to be, before the Conclave. But now I have a new purpose. I have to help preserve the world we have now, to stop Solas from erasing it. I’ll call it The Keeper.”

 

Cullen raised his tankard high, “Here here!” We knocked glasses and drank them dry. “It’s perfect.”

 

We drank well into nightfall and I watched as the pairs went off together, one by one. Bull left first with one of the kitchen girls. Krem playfully stole Maryden’s mandolin and she chased him up the stairs and around the tavern until they were finally kissing behind the bar. Cullen and Lady Trevelyan gracefully made their exit, hand in hand. Finally it was just Josie and I, red faced drunk alone in the tavern.

 

“Inqui….Seren.” She corrected. “Tell me, how does it work?” She gestured to the crystal around my neck. I’m so happy she’s finally calling me that. She was the last one to break.

 

“Well, we can leave short messages for one another to hear whenever they’re able. Or, if we’re both free and activate them, we can speak freely as though we were in the room together.” I activated it to see if Dorian was free, but the hum that would signify he was never came.

 

“Do you think...would you mind terribly if I asked you…” She stammered her words, so nervous to ask this and I couldn’t help but giggle and throw my arm around her.

 

“You want me to see if Dorian and I can get a hold of another set?” Blackwall was a free man, he didn’t have to join the Grey Wardens. But he was a good man, and despite having a reason to stay...he had to do what was right. _Not unlike someone else I know_. “You must miss him, after all?”

 

“I dare say that I do. Maybe it’s a useless thing, or a silly waste of time. But maybe, if you and Dorian can find a way, maybe we can too.”

 

I pulled her in for a peck on the forehead. “I’ll talk it over with him, first thing tomorrow.”

 

\------

 

My stumble back to my quarters was entirely too difficult. When i get there, it’s cold but I’m in no shape to be playing with fire. So I crawl under every fur I can find and let my mind wander to thoughts that warm me. When I stopped shivering I activated the crystal to leave him something to wake up to.

 

“Ar lath ma, Vhenan. Ar isala na numin. Isala emma’in ma.” I was babbling but it was all true. I missed his touch so much. I needed it. "Ar isala ma." Sleep was taking me away but still I hoped he’d answer. After a few minutes of silence, I deactivated the crystal and slept too deeply to enter the Fade.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ar lath ma, Vhenan. ---> I love you, my heart.
> 
> Ar isala na numin. ---> I need your cries.
> 
> Isala emma’in ma ----> I need you inside me.
> 
> Ar isala ma. ---> I need you.


	5. Blessed are the Peacekeepers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A recount of the remaining weeks at Skyhold as Seren prepares to head to Kirkwall.

I awoke to the soft hum of the crystal around my neck. In a daze I reached for it and activated it, still with my eyes shut tight, not ready to face the world.

 

“Vhenan,” I whispered into the crystal, drowsy.

 

“Still asleep, are we Amatus? I dare say I missed a good evening at Skyhold,” He had a joking tone but it wasn’t without some sadness. “How are you feeling?”

 

“I’ve been getting my strength back, slowly,” I opened my eyes and immediately shielded them from the harsh light shining through the windows of the keep. “Although I may have undone a bit of my progress last night.”

 

“Your message last night,” He sighed heavily. “I translated the words this morning and I haven’t stopped thinking of them since. I’m so sorry I did not respond then. I’d been pulled in too many directions for one evening and fully intended on calling out to you once I’d gotten back to my chambers. Still, when I laid myself down, sleep took me before I could think.”

 

I thought back to what I’d said to him, remembering how I felt in that moment. _I love you, I need your cries, I need you inside me, I need you._ And the rush came over me again.

 

“I’ll say it again for you, Vhenan. Every night I’ll say it until I can whisper the words to my favorite spot on your neck.”

 

He breathing labored as he answered, “You will be my undoing, Amatus.”

 

\-------

 

Over the next few weeks more people departed. The Chargers had found some work, and for even more coin than they were used to pulling. I suppose the good name of the Inquisition was finally giving back it’s fair share of good for those who served. Maryden insisted to travel along side them, never to fight, but to sing songs of our heroism in the taverns along the way. I expect it has no small amount to do with how doe-eyed she looks at Aclassi.

 

I’d gotten stronger, too. The phantom pains were disrupting me less and less, my appetite had come back, and I had all the endurance I used to. Most importantly, my skills with The Keeper were damn near proficient now. The dummies at Skyhold were all permanently headless and I had successfully spent many afternoons and evenings out hunting with it. Thankfully, our list of human enemies was severely diminished these days but there was no shortage of bears to kill.

 

I noticed, over these weeks, the Elven servants vanishing. Each morning we would wake up and more will have disappeared without a word. Harding came to me after the first few nights to tell me her scouts saw some of them slipping out and leaving in the night to the north.

 

“We’ve been able to track them several miles to the north, into the mountains, but without fail we lose them. Always in the same area, they vanish. I expect it’s magic, and…” She paused, as if she was not sure she should say the words out loud. “It seems clear that this is his doing.”

 

Of course, she was right that I did not want to hear it, but it did not stop it from being the truth. All the Elves. Except me. Except Sera. Sera made sense, she never wanted to be a part of a clan, a part of our people...But me? I _wanted_ to help Solas. I wanted to believe he was a friend who had lost his way. Who had gone too far and could not see the way back. Still, anger and depression were competing for the prominent space in my soul with each new revelation.

 

Over the coming nights, I stayed awake, stalking the battlements, trying to see if I could spot one of these disappearances for myself. On the third night, I did.

 

The poor girl looked at me with such _fear_ , as if I would strike her down on the spot. I approached her as she froze in place, not entirely sure what I would say or do, contemplating all the emotions I could barely untangle. When I met her though, all I could do was give her a message.

 

“When you meet the Dread Wolf, give him this.” And I simply softly touched my forehead to hers. It was a gesture Solas had offered to me on more than one occasion when I needed strength and comfort, _before_. I only hoped it would remind him that I still believed in him, while I tried to figure all this out. “Our people---Your people,” I corrected with bitterness on my tongue. “Do not have to fear. No harm will come to you for leaving Skyhold.”

 

\------

 

Harding departed to Leliana’s new location for all things unrelated to Chantry matters - Haven. Josie left in a tearful goodbye to finally take over her family’s estate. Cullen and his Lady retreated to Ferelden to help Templars who wished to follow his path and leave Lyrium behind them. And one day, Cole appeared in my chambers.

 

“The sun has set and I can see the birds again. There are so many, too many, and you can’t sort them alone.”

 

“Cole?” I always remembered him the very moment he appeared, but he did fade quicker and quicker each time. “You can read me now, now that the anchor is gone?”

 

“Yes.” He came closer, looking at me quizzically. “You helped so many and you feel like you’ve lost everything. You haven’t. You want to keep helping but you also want something simpler. Love and quiet breakfasts and boredom and promises. You think you’ll never have them. You wonder if he’d even want them. _He does_ , even if it can’t be now. You aren’t alone even if you are alone.”

 

 _My sweet Cole…_ “Cole, thank you. For this and for everything.”

 

“I’m so sorry. But I have to go now. I have to go back to the Fade, find the places where the hurt is growing and growing and be where I can help the most. I belong there.”

 

I stared at him for too long, understanding but still dreading. Another one, gone. “Cole, I...I don’t want to forget you. Is there a way?” He nodded and closed his eyes, and I felt a heat rise up in my ears.

 

“You won’t forget me. I won’t forget you either.”

 

I could not bear to say it outloud, but the words I wanted to say the most rang loudly in my mind. _Please keep him safe, Cole._

 

He got up to leave, but paused before fully going. “That’s not the kind of help he needs.” And then he vanished, for good.

 

\---------

 

The only thing left was for me to pack up a caravan and leave for Kirkwall. Varric had the estate staffed and ready, and he apparently had work set up for me. Mostly publicity things, recounting our tales to other Comtes/Comtesses and meeting with some politicians to give guidance and advice about achieving peace and overcoming hardships. I was grateful beyond words but the estate Varric described sounded a bit large.

 

So I met with Sera and Dagna for drinks.

 

“Seren, what are you trying to say?” Dagna’s smile told me she already knew, she just wanted to hear me say it.

 

“It’s just that, it’s an awfully large place and I’ve grown quite fond of you two, for some reason,” Sera threw a chunk of bread at my face and laughed, I threw it back a bit harder. “Would you two come with me? Live in the estate in Kirkwall? There’d be plenty of room. Varric says there’s even room enough for a proper forge, Dagna. Not exactly Skyhold’s league, I know, but it’s someplace we could live.” I paused for a breath, realizing I was rambling again.

 

They both laughed this time, and Sera kicked me under the table. “You daft tit, of course we’re going with you. We were gonna suggest it but it’s too fun watching you sweat over it.”

 

I wanted to tease her back but I was _too. Damn. Happy._ I shouted out for another round on me and threw my remaining arm around them both.

 

\------

 

Saying goodbye to Skyhold was...surreal. The Chantry women had taken it over entirely, and it was a safe haven for refugees and all who were still struggling from the war. I felt a fear and loss as we left for the final time, but having friends in my company, knowing we’d be with Varric soon, I felt surprisingly grounded. And this time, Dorian kept me occupied along the journey with updates about his work in Minrathous.

 

“I do so wish for you to meet Mae, Amatus.” He sounded happier than in any conversation we’d had since saying goodbye. “She is a force to be reckoned with and an inspiration. Truly, her mere existence in the Imperium proves that change _can_ happen here. I’ve officially taken my seat in the Magisterium, and now the real work begins.”

 

“What first, Vhenan?” I had just retreated to my tent, Sera and Dagna were still flirting by the campfire outside.

 

“Well, we’ve already set the example we wanted, house Tilani and house Pavus are officially one-hundred percent slave-free. Tongues are wagging, and some of the reactions have been suspicious of course, but I’ve heard rumors of some smaller houses following suit.”

 

I was logging his efforts and my own in a journal. Partially to practice my right-handed penmanship, but also to help document these efforts for both of us. The penmanship was improving, though I did hope not to die and have this scratch writing as my only memory…

 

“The next _large_ step is to make a proposal. That will take time, and deliberation. I’m not sure how bold or tempered our first should be. In the meantime, while we draft that, I’m to use my time with the inquisition to gain some notoriety, and use some of the information we learned in Halamshiral to change some hearts.”

 

I sighed at the mention of Halamshiral, without control. The word invoked too many feelings for me still. For me, it was the place where everything fell to shit. My faith destroyed, my mentor betrayed me, my lover left, my arm taken, my institution disbanded.

  
He cleared his throat, understanding my reaction. “Thank you, Amatus, by the way. The delivery from Skyhold arrived today, and these books will prove extremely useful. Although, I couldn’t help but notice you packed the plaidweave robes, of course, despite my begging.”

 

“I know you secretly love them, Dorian. Quit fighting it. It’s your color.”

 

“You wound me.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Honestly, thank you to any of you who might actually read this drivel. I'm just a bored lonely weirdo over here with no one to share my love for fictional characters with. 
> 
> Any and all comments are printed out and hung on my refrigerator. 
> 
> I love you all. Next time...Kirkwall, Varric, Hawke, and Fenris =)


	6. The Imperium Doesn't Want You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Seren has a reuinion of sorts at his new home in Kirkwall, with the addition of Fenris. There's tension, but it's nothing Varric can't fix with the aid of wine and Wicked Grace.

The estate  _was_ large.  Large enough that I felt extra relief that Sera and Dagna agreed to come with me when we arrived.  Varric met us there for our anticipated arrival, and I hadn't quite realized how much I missed that dwarf.  

"Andraste's tits, you're finally here!"  I crouched down to hug him as he greeted me.  "Hey, easy now, mind the suit will you Junebug?"  I should have cringed at the reference to my former faith, the fact that my face was stained with these horrible lies.  But I was so relieved to be called a nickname, to be reminded that I have friends who know me enough to give me  _nicknames_ at all.  Boy, how brilliant.  I hugged him a little harder.  "I know you just got here Junebug, but, well, lets get you inside.  Hawk and Fenris are here and we've got food and drink inside.  

Some house hands came out to start unloading our caravans for us.  I grabbed what I could before following on inside, briefly noticing that none of the hired servants were elven.  I wondered...I'd have to ask Varric if the same phenomenon had been happening in Kirkwall, with elves going missing.  

When we got inside, the place was simply furnished, in a great way.  Nothing garrish like Skyhold.  Plain wooden tables and chairs, and a soft rug on the ground by the fireplace instead of a cushioned sofa.  Hawke stood immediately from where she was sitting next to who I'd assume was Fenris, at the table closest to the fire.  

"Inquisitor!" She rushed over and I gripped her back in a one-armed hug, overwhemled by the reunion.  We knew each other so briefly, but an excursion in the fade that nearly ended with all our demise is the kind of experience that bonds you.  I squeezed my eyes shut and refused to let go for a few more moments.  When we did part from each other I saw that Fenris was eyeing me with curiosity, maybe a bit of suspicion.  No matter.

"It's just Seren now, please, I beg you."  My smile was ear to ear.  I heard Sera and Dagna enter but they didn't even bother coming to join us, they just giggled their way to a nearby bedroom.

"This one is ours, claiming it in the name of the former inquisitions best archer!" Sera shouted.

"Sorry, Seren!"  Dagna yelled back, followed by some murmers and giggles.  Then, "Nevermind, not sorry at all!"  The door slammed shut.  

"Well I'm glad to see you're still alive, albeit missing some pieces." She nodded toward my left arm, eyebrows raised.  "The mark did that?"  She reached out to touch.

I recoiled, visibly I'm sure, cringing more than I intended to.  "I...I'm sorry, It's...Well, Solas did that, actually.  The mark is gone."  I caught Fenris' eye again, this time he looked different though.  Sadness, or something like it, was in his expression.  

"Seren, this is Fenris," she took her seat back by his side and I came to join them at the table, extending my arm out to shake his.  He hesitated, but ultimately reached out to meet mine.  "I'm glad you two could finally meet."

"Another mage hero, saving the world, and ultimately saving more mages." He didn't spit his words but there was some anger in them, he wasn't going to trust me yet.

"Lot of good that's done me, as you can see," I attempted to joke, sounding more bitter than I meant to.  Thankfully, Varric walked back in with a few servants, all carrying plates full of pheasant and grains.  

"Playing nice I hope?  Relax there, broody, let's break out the cards and wine."

\------

We ate first, then unpacked.  The room Sera and Dagna took was clearly the master bedroom but I happily took the another.  So different from my quarters at Skyhold, it was small and quaint and just right.  The amount of wood in this place made me feel at home, compared to the stone of the keeps.  It even smelled of wood when I breathed deeply.  Unpacking took me very little time, and Varric insisted on at least one drink together before we saw the rest of the estate.  He was the same, even with all his titles and responsibilities.  He _wanted_ us all to be fast friends, to get along.  And I couldn't help it, he was so right to force us all to get along in the past, that I was eager to try this time.  

Fenris was quiet and I knew he would not warm up to us easily.  Dagna and I both had our hands in magic, which he hated, and I was widely known to be fucking a Tevinter Magister, counted as a peer among those who hurt him in irreprable ways.  I cannot try to blame him for his distrust.  I decided not to push, to let things come with time.  Still, I watched him as we all spent time together.  I saw that he stayed close to Hawke, that he touched her often while she fiddled consistently with the red scarf around his wrist.  He made a few jokes, after a few glasses of wine were in us, but not once did he directly engage me or even make eye contact with me.  

Hawke, however, was lighter than I remember.  Smiling, laughing, twidling Fenris' scarf in her fingers.  Trading jabs with Varric and me, we even relived some of our painful memories together with more laughter than I'd ever anticipated being able.  

"One thing we learned that day was that the savior of Thedas, the great Herald of Andraste himself, our brave and fearless Inquisitor..."  He paused, for dramatic effect, I assume.  "Is deathly afriad of spiders." My head hung in my hands as everyone let out a chuckle.  

"Right, Inky, I still don't get that for anything.  I'm trying to fight off swirling voids of bloody nothin' while you piss your pants at some insects we've killed millions of."  Sera made her favorite mocking PFFT sound before refilling all our drinks.  

"We  _still_ don't know what Bull saw," Distract them from my silly fear, please.  "I bet it's something cuddly."

Dagna spit a bit of her wine with laughter. "Oh, The Iron Bull can only be frightened by one thing!  Nugs!  The smaller, the  _scarier._ "

Hawke wasn't fooled by my attempt to squirm away from my shame, however.  "Oh, no no no.  Go back to the part about the mighty Inquisitor and his fear of spiders."

"They were very large spiders..." Oh  _dear,_ that's pathetic.  "Poisonous?  Probably?"

"Haven't you been to the Storm Coast?  Wait, the DEEP ROADS?!?"  She was laughing too hard to breathe now.  "You must have spent four years killing only slightly less spiders than you did demons,  how did you manage?"

I decided to own the joke, let them have the laughs at my expense.  "Well, honestly I cried more than what would befit a great and powerful Inquisitor, especially in the beginning,"  I threw my hand up instantly as I saw Varric start to open his mouth to speak.  "And NO, that cannot go in the book.  My tears are for priviledged company only."

"* _Well, I think it's a perfectly adorable quality of his,*"_ Dorian piped up from the crystal, he'd been busy writing letters but had wanted to hear friendly voices in the background, like old times when he'd bring his research to the great hall or the tavern.  "* _It's awfully nice to see him so irrational and human.*"_ My heart felt warm as I clutched the crystal.  

We all finished our drinks with a few more stories, and at the bottom of her glass Hawke stood from the table.  "I think I've had a bit much, actually, we ought to start heading--"

I cut her off, ever the charming drunk.  "Would you all stay the night, actually?"  _Oh, THAT didn't sound awfully like begging._ "It's quite late, and there's room here enough.  Don't travel the streets like this.  At least wait until daylight."  

If I came off as pathetic as I felt, none of them noticed or cared.  Sera and Dagna retreated back to their room in a hurry, and Hawke, Fenris, and Varric all grumbled in agreement as they parted ways to find some unclaimed beds.  

\-------

I wasn't too drunk to land myself in the fade that night, but I sure as the void was too drunk to control where I went.  I was all memory and emotion, and the scene changed several times at first before landing on a particular memory to stay.  For several moments I was seeing myself on the steps to Skyhold, hesitating as Cassandra held out a sword, a symbol that would make me Inquisitor.  My brain had been in a loop, deciding I _should_ take the honor but battling the urge to Fade Step away and never look back.  

The next moment I was watching Cullen on the Battlements.  I remembered that after he stopped taking Lyrium he'd often burst through the doors of his office to breathe and let the cold air ground him.  I spent much time worrying but Cassandra swore she would care for him.  I trusted her but still...what he was going through, I wanted to help somehow.  Then I saw her approach him, the young lady Trevelyan put a hand to his face and soothed it.  I felt so relieved, he  _did_ have someone to help him through this.

Gone again.  Watching everyone together playing Wicked Grace.  Everyone except Solas, of course.  Dorian was leaning over close to whisper his wine-flavored promises to my ear. Josephine was making eyes over her cards at Rainier.  

It shifted again.  I was on the balcony of the library, watching myself speak to Dorian.  

"...If you could change minds, so could I."  _Oh.  This.  Right._ I looked at the reaction on my own face.  I was...holding together quite well, actually, compared to how I remembered feeling.  

"You would just leave?  What about..."

"Us?  Trust me, Amatus, it would give me no pleasure to leave your side." 

"I could go with you.  I could...help?  Or not.  After Corrypheus is gone, after the rifts are closed, I have no reason to lead an Inquisition.  I should move on."

"Tempting..."  No.  None of that worked.  I saw it on my face this time.  I had tensed up.  Accepted that he already made this decision.  He would leave.  I wouldn't follow.  End of discussion.  What else could be said?  Just support the man you love and go cry into a bottle later, privately.  Maybe bring Sera.  "It isn't safe for you there, not yet, and I don't want an army doing this.  I want to change the Imperium for good, from the inside."

"Alright...Alright.  If that's what you need to do, of course."  I looked down to try to hide how my face looked but in doing so I missed how crushed his face was.   _Did he want me to stop him?  Dammit, Pavus, speak your mind will you?_

Gone again.  But I couldn't see anything...just... _OH GODS, NO, MY ARM!!_ The burning, it was burning off.  The green flames spread and Dorian was squeezing his bar arm around my neck and pushing a potion to my lips with the other and the  _pain_ was real and hot and searing and---

I woke up screaming.  I don't know how long I was making that sound but I couldn't care.  The phantom pains were as bad as they were the first morning.  I reached for Dorian to anchor me... _no.  No, Lavellan, remember.  Breathe.  It passes, it always passes._

I opened my eyes to the sound of the door flying open.   _Shit, right.  People were here._ To my surprise and horror, it was not one of my trusted friends who opened to door and scrambled inside.  Fenris had come to see the problem.   _Ha, well, if he didn't like you before, I'm sure now he'll find you oh so respectable.  Sweating, clutching a piece of cloth where your arm ought to be, crying._ And what's worse, he said nothing.  Just stood and waited.  I took a deep breath as the pain started to dull.  

"I'm so sorry, Fenris.  I...it's a phantom pain, they call it.  It was getting better but I...Agh, I'm sorry to have woke you."  I could sit up at this point.

"I was already awake." He said plainly.  And then neither of us said anything for a long time.  He leaned against the wall by the window and watched as I breathed through the slowly subsiding pains.  After maybe a few of the longest moments of my life, he broke the silence.  "I know what it's like, you know.  To have a power put within you that you didn't ask for.  That you didn't want."

He was building a bridge.  Amazing.  After everything he's been through with mages and magic and Tevinter...He really must be something extraordinary.  "Your marks, yes?  They aren't Vallaslin."  He nodded in response.  

"I...apologize for my coldness toward you.  I have a difficulty trusting mages, even when my Hawke and our dear friend Varric speak so highly of you.  But, you've done good things for us all.  The curses we were given by force, the only thing we can do is try to use them for some good.  And it seems that you've done that."  

"I tried."  My voice sounded strained, from the pain and the shock and the screaming nightmare. "That's what you do as well, is it not?"  I traced the image of my Vallaslin along my cheek, remembering what they really meant.  "You use your marks to kill the slavers?"

"I see my reputation made it to the Inquisition then?"

"No, actually.  My...the man I love, he..."

"The Magister."  His voice naturally spat the word out without sounding as though he was attacking.  It was a matter of fact, a statement.  

"He's there to attempt to end corruption and slavery in the Imperium.  And he's mentioned you."  I looked at him and smiled this time.  "They are  _terrified_ of you."

Fenris took a seat in the plain wooden chair beside the window and looked back at me.  And I'll be damned to the void if he wasn't smiling back.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Seriously I do not know why I'm doing this.


	7. Drop and Grab

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> My Dearest Comte Lavellan,  
> I do know how much you detest titles, but please, humor me. It is my hope that this letter reaches your estate ahead of your arrival so you have one personal thing awaiting you there.   
> I cannot say truly how I’ve missed you already. However, being home is beyond wonderful. My sister and I are already hard at work rebuilding the Montilyet house and it’s legacy. It will take time, Seren, but I am confident that we will succeed. Thanks in no small part, to your efforts.   
> How do you fare? I wish we had more time since the council, but as we’ve all had to learn, our wishes are rarely well met. I hope that your pain has finally diminished enough for you to finally get the rest you so deserve.   
> Send my warm regards to Magister Pavus when you speak.  
> With Love,  
> Josephine of House Montilyet
> 
> Post Script; Endless thanks for these marvelous crystals. It is a comfort I never imagined to be able to keep a part of Thom with me. This is a treasure!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think this one's a bit short, but I had a hard time writing this week. Crippling depression and Anxiety compounded with an Impending Lupus flare up are keeping me in a bad state of mind. This helped though.

After Fenris and I spoke, he and Hawke went home, and Varric also left, likely late for a great many appointments. I gathered up a few of the letters that had been waiting for me upon my arrival, intending to respond to as many as I could before Dorian was free for the day and able to speak. The first few were largely political. Other noble houses wishing to achieve my favor before any others. A few very poor attempts at arrangments for marriage. One letter did catch my eye, as it seemed a genuine request for help from a family about to lose their title. I tucked it into my breast pocket, to request Varric’s assistance with it later. At the bottom of the pile was one letter with familiar handwriting and decadent scents coming from the page. 

_My Dearest Comte Lavellan,_   
_I do know how much you detest titles, but please, humor me. It is my hope that this letter reaches your estate ahead of your arrival so you have one personal thing awaiting you there._   
_I cannot say truly how I’ve missed you already. However, being home is beyond wonderful. My sister and I are already hard at work rebuilding the Montilyet house and it’s legacy. It will take time, Seren, but I am confident that we will succeed. Thanks in no small part, to your efforts._   
_How do you fare? I wish we had more time since the council, but as we’ve all had to learn, our wishes are rarely well met. I hope that your pain has finally diminished enough for you to finally get the rest you so deserve._   
_Send my warm regards to Magister Pavus when you speak._   
_With Love,_   
_Josephine of House Montilyet_

_Post Script; Endless thanks for these marvelous crystals. It is a comfort I never imagined to be able to keep a part of Thom with me. This is a treasure!_

My dear Josie,  
Your letter reached me as intended and I must say, it is a relief to have something familiar here already. Although, it is not only your letter I have to remind me of home! I convinced Sera and Dagna to come and stay with me, and with Varric nearby I feel so much more at ease than I imagined.   
The pain has gotten better, with some exception upon first waking. However, I am well enough to train and well enough to work, which is more of a relief than anything.   
Now, now, Josie, we both know that your sister hasn’t lifted a single finger in helping you rebuild your family name. Don’t sell yourself short. And please, tell me what I can do to ease your burden. If you need to establish more trade posts, I can discuss with Varric and see what we have need of here.   
Write me often, I can hear your voice in your words and it fills my heart.   
Love Always,  
Seren Lavellan, Comte of Kirkwall, Keeper of Southern Thedas, Former Inquisitor, Defender of the Veil (if we’re going to use titles, Josie, let’s not hold back!)

Post Script; What are the incredible smells coming off this parchment? It’s rich and decadent and lovely.  Sera has impolitely requested some of whatever made this smell so that she can smell this good for Dagna.  I didn't ask further.

——

“She sends her warm regards, Vhenan,” I spoke with Dorian as I watched Dagna dictate her requests for a forge to the contractor Varric sent over. I had handed the man a sack of coin and it seems he’ll be able to make magic happen, even in such a small space. I watched in amazement as Dagna flitted about the area, marking locations and listing supplies. Sera was watching her too, albeit with a different, dreamier look on her face.

"Didn't I tell you, Amatus? She'd be the very first to write." He was right, again, this time about something much happier.

"One of your less dreary predictions, Dorian, do keep it up will you?"

"I'll do my best," He sighed. "So, please, tell me...You met Fenris, talked to him. What...what's he like?"

"He is a bit intimidating, and I won't lie, I wasn't sure he would have let me live long enough to get to know me if it hadn't been for Hawke and Varric."

"Amatus..." His voice was worried now, he knew how dangerous Fenris could be and had been hesitant about this meeting of minds to begin with.

"But, he warmed up to me after all. And...funny enough, I think we understand each other more than I anticipated." I walked away from the others, out of earshot.

"Well, now, Seren I know you kill an awful lot of people but are you really comparing yourself to the man who tears whole hearts still beating from the chest cavities of his enemies?" His joking tone returned but as a cover this time.

"I've hardly killed anyone in months, Dorian," I kidded back at him. "Besides, you can't really blame him for what he's doing. And, he wants to help us."

"Us?"

"Well, you, actually. I say 'us' so I won't feel so terribly left out." I got a small chuckle out of him and revelled in it for a moment. "He wants to see if the two of you can work together. Maybe speed up progress in Tevinter as far as the slave trade is concerned. I can't say I'm opposed."

"You must be joking!" He scoffed. "The man who despises all magic, loathes all of Tevinter wants to aid a Magister?"

"Wants to aid a Magister in his quest to end corruption and slavery in Tevinter, Dorian. You aren't his enemy, simply because you share their title." If he were here in this moment I'd reach my hand out to run my fingers along the scars of his face. "You are a good man, Dorian Pavus. You are fighting a worthy cause. It should come as no surprise that anyone should want to come to your aid."

He took in a deep breath. "The things you say...Alright Amatus. Later this week, let's see if the lot of us could have a little chat."

\-----

A few days later, Sera fetched me from my desk as I was finally writing responses and polite declines to the noble letters.  She had cookies, which meant that this might be unpleasant.  But she led us past Dagna, hard at work pestering the laborers in the forge, and to a ladder out back to lead us to the roof.  It was...stunning, actually.  Kirkwall was busy, bustling, but we seemed safe above it all.  She passed me a cookie and started eating one herself.  

"So here's the thing, Inky.  I know you've got this new noble job and all that shite, right?  And you're some big important whatever doing boring non-lethal work for King Varric?"

"Viscount"

"Whatever.  Back at Halamshiral I asked you to join the Jenny's.  And I know, that was before your left arm exploded and Dorian ran away to Tevinter and Solas turned out to be an even bigger shit than I expected-"

"Sera."  She wasn't saying anything that wasn't true...it's just...painful to hear it all out in a list like that.

"Right.  Sorry, but anyway, you said yes.  And I've seen you with The Keeper out in the woods hunting.  You're just as good as you ever were, better even.  I guess all I'm saying is, are you still in?"

It hadn't occurred to me to change my mind on the subject, I just wasn't really sure how to go about... _being_ a Red Jenny.  "I'm still all in, Sera.  I'm ready."

Her grin spread across her face and she snorted back a laugh.  "Perfect.  Alright then, _Kirkwall._ Time to leak your contact to the little people.  See what news starts pouring in."


	8. Lethalin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sera and Dorian both express their concerned as Seren prepares to enter the Fade to seek out Solas for real this time.

I had to get back on track. I had been busy settling in to my new home, sending out letters to my advis—my former colleagues of the inquisition, and meeting with the nobles of Kirkwall. Life had been such a wirlwind that I had not revisted the Fade. _No more wasting time, Seren. Not as if the world is in imminent danger or anything._

I spent the day studying and readying myself. Tonight I wouldn’t be travelling to my own memories. I was going to attempt to travel to a physical place and simply observe the spirits and memories that exist there. Places of turmoil and war are where the veil is most thin, so it would be the best place to start. I knew the perfect place.

“I do not like this, Amatus.” Dorian knew I’d gone to the Fade a few times in my dreams, encountering Solas, but I had just confessed that I was studying and travelling there on purpose. He was less than thrilled. “What will you do if something goes wrong? You are a lone mage, you have no one to back you up or get you out if something happens. And need I remind you, it’s the _Fade_ bad things happen. Sera and Dagna cannot go with you and I…I am not there.“

I knew he was afraid, and that he had cause. Still, I couldn’t wait for some imagined future when he would be around to protect me. Solas’ plans were in motion now. “I’m sorry Dorian. I will be as careful as is possible, but all of Thedas is at stake if Solas enacts his plan. Ma Vhenan, I wish I didn’t have to do this alone but I need to practice, and I need to find him before he is beyond helping.” I was frustrated and afraid, and probably sounded as such.

He let out a weary sigh before answering. “Alright, Amatus, I yield. I know it has to be done I simply wish it wasn’t on your shoulders, yet again.”

“Trust me, I ache for the day when we– when I,” I corrected. “Can just be. Like a normal person.“

“I’ll join you in that future, I promise you, Amatus.” his voice grew raspy when he said that, and deep like he would before he kissed me hard. Hearing it made me go weak for a moment, wishing I could reach out and pull him into this bed and whisper all my promises into his lips directly.

“Vhenan, I—”

“Is that Dorian!” Sera’s shouting outside the door interrupted the filth that was undoubtedly about to pour from my lips. Then she burst through the door and I hoped she could not see the red in my cheeks. “Hi Dorian!”

“Sera, to what do I owe this pleasure?”

“You _miss_ me, Dorian, and you know it.” She stuck her tongue out at…well…no one in particular.

“You know I’d never admit to such a thing,” he scoffed. “How’s Dagna? Please send my regards to the misses.”

“Still as little and perfect as ever.” She noticed the look on my face. “So, what’d I interrupt? Was it hot?”

“Sadly no, it seems Seren needs to go trapsing off, looking for trouble again, and he needs some help to ensure he comes back in one piece.” His voice was airy again, making light of something to mask his fears.

“Still a _nob_ , Dorian. What Seren *needs* is to live a good and proper normal life and be happy for once. But you’re in stupid Tevinter, and Solas is being a creepy weird Fade shit, and Seren is of _course_ the only one he’ll listen to.” She rolled her eyes so hard you could practically hear it. “Seren needs _normal_ and the world won’t bloody let him have it.”

“Sera…” I’ve never heard her talk that way about me. She’s said things like this before but never so fervently. Her demeanor makes us forget how intensely she cares. But she truly does, maybe more than anyone. “I’m right here. And aren’t you sending me off to rob some Comte any day now?”

Dorian chuckled but remained silent, and I worried if Sera’s words were upseting him.

“Nobles being pricks _is_ normal, ya looney. And little people finding ways of punching back is as old and normal as anything in Thedas.”

"Well, Sera, I can't find it in me to disagree with you," I sighed. "But unfortunately the world has other plans for us." _Huh. When did I stop invoking the Creators..._ "Tonight I'm going to try to reach out to him in the Fade. I'll be alright. And if it makes you feel better, Sera, we can have Dagna ward the doorway to my room."

"Right, well, you better not get yourself hurt. There's people who depend on you now. Not like before," She corrected. " _People_ , people. Us." She paused and took in a deep breath for a moment when she heard the door down the hall open and shut. _Dagna's home._ "Right! That's my cue! I gotta go tie up the missus for a while. Wait. Not like that. Well, a little like that. Bye Dorian!"

"Try not to drown, my dear Sera." Dorian laughed.

After she left the room, it got too silent for a minute before Dorian spoke up again. "Alright. Tomorrow, I'll speak with Fenris, yes? I have a few ideas he might not hate. I need to make progress here, Amatus. I need..." His voice trailed off as if into a thought.

"Vhenan?"

"I need you here. More and more, I realize. And I can't have that until it's safe. I miss you. The nights are dreadful, you know, you've absolutely ruined me." His tone was scolding and mocking.

"It was intentional, Vhenan," I chuckled, "We'll have to find an excuse to drag you back down to the South for a visit soon, to break up the monotony of all your heroics up North."

"That's settled then," He exhaled. "I must be off, Mae has some revisions to my draft to review with me before the day is done. Let's speak before you sleep tonight? I'd like to know when...when you'll be making this attempt."

"Of course, ma Vhenan. I won't shut my eyes without the sound of your voice. It's what I'd prefer any night. Good luck with Mae, send her my best!"

The crystals hummed softly as we both deactivated them. With the quiet, I could hear the muffled moans and giggles from Sera and Dagna down the hall. I did my best to drown it out with my studies on walking the Fade, only losing my focus to their wistful sounds a few times.

\------

That evening Dorian sang me an old Tevinter lullaby as I drifted off to sleep, thinking of him of course instead of focusing on my travels. I did not even notice that I was in the Fade at first, it felt as though I was in my bed at Skyhold, warm under layers and watching Dorian lose himself in a book by the fire. Those were little moments where I loved him the most, seeing him finally drop all his pretense and rules and swagger and simply _be_.

But soon the warped colors and fading details hit my senses and I stiffened up, aware that I had made it here, at least. I had no time to linger here, I had to focus, and find him. I blocked the memories of Dorian from my mind and the image around me faded away. To find Solas, I had to focus on him, to sense his presence here. I searched every memory of my own, like flipping through pages of a book to find him. I replayed the memory of his friend from the Fade, the spirit of Wisdom we tried to save. Our conversations about the Fade in the Rotunda at Skyhold. _Wait_.

I focused on the memory of our conversation in the Fade when he showed me Haven. It was the first time we walked the Fade in our dreams together. I remembered his face, his voice, the words and then... _yes._  The world around me began to shift and change, as if I were traveling while staying completely still. As the colors settled into place around me there was profound silence, and an ancient Keep, a marvel still standing in front of me. It was old, perhaps older than Skyhold, and I could smell the stone as I drew near it's entrance.

I was guiding myself through this place without thought, focused on him and seeking him out. Though, the majesty of these walls was not lost on me. My eyes were drawn upward at the great stone archways inside. This was not a place for mere men to dwell.

My movement stopped suddenly, and I tore my eyes away from the magificent stone to look in front of me. I'd done it. He stood there, in front of me. His back was toward me but I knew it instantly. His visage startled and turned to face me. _My...I actually startled him_. The thought that he didn't anticipate this, for once, it brought me both anxiety and pride.

"It's really me, lethalin." I waited, breathless for his reaction but it seemed to be minutes as he stood there stunned and stuck in thought.

"You...you have actually managed..." He gathered his thoughts a moment, and it looked as though he may finally speak again when he dropped his arms to his sides, stepping two large strides to me and embracing me. This was the first time he'd ever made any contact with me like this. In fact, I don't think he'd intentionally touched me since the day he threw my left hand up at the breach.

But here he was, squeezing me tightly. In the Fade, of course, but it was still real.

When he pulled back, his eyes glistened and he smiled just a little.

"You have surprised me, lethalin. I had my doubts you would succeed. Though I should have known better than to lose faith," he sighed, stepping back. "And I did so too easily."

"Solas, I'm here now. And I haven't lost faith yet," I managed to let a small laugh through the fear encasing me. "Somehow."

His eyebrows raised, like he was still pondering my existence. I'd noticed him do exactly that more than a few times in the waking world, but it only just dawned on me that he'd really been surprised by all of my actions. That he was learning about the state of human and elven and dwarven and qunari culture through all our actions. He'd been watching us and trying to figure out who we were, because he was seeing the brand new state of the world with ancient eyes.

"Seren," he said. "I am relieved." He stepped away, motioning for me to follow. "I will tell you what has begun."


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 100% fade episode

Solas led me to a great hall, a room that may as well be it’s own castle.  The walls were adorned with murals, paintings that I recognized to be Solas’ work.  They depicted many different things, and at a glance I saw Halamshiral, only it wasn’t.  It was the dance at the Winter Palace, clearly, except the nobles dancing were dancing among the corpses of the Elvehn.  I also saw a depiction of myself, which was quite jarring.  I was standing atop the cliff at the site of the conclave, but I was reaching down, into the abyss below with my now-lost arm complete with the glowing mark.  I could not guess what that image meant to him.  There were countless other scenes depicted that I did not recognize at all.

In the center of this fantastic room was an ornate table, thick and sturdy and covered with books and maps and objects unfamiliar.  Some of them looked ancient, maybe even more artifacts similar to the Orb --- Solas’ Orb.  Fen Harel’s Orb.  He led me past the table, however, toward the back of the room, through a small corridor to a balcony.  We overlooked mountains so fast they sank under the horizon.  

“Lethalin,” He spoke, leaning over and peering out into the cold.  “You made a wise choice, disbanding.  A choice I cannot seem to make.  I have come so close to all I’d hoped, and yet…”

“Solas.” I prompted.  

“If I turn back now, I’ve failed them,” He mourned.  “The thousands who seeked to join me.  If I deny them now they will uprise.  And they will be right to do so.”

“Have you searched for another way?” I chose my words carefully.  “Solas, there was something I never spoke of to you.  After Dorian and I traveled to the future in which Corypheus succeeded.  You refused to speak of it with me after.  But you were there, in that future.  And we spoke.”

He took his eyes from the sky and turned to me.  “I did wonder…”

“In that future, the veil was no more.  I didn’t understand how or why at the time, but the fade and the world were one, just as you said it was.  And in that future, when we found you you told me you needed to undo your mistake.”  He cringed visibly at the thought of him in such a way.  He hated to be wrong about so much, and he hated being responsible for the pain of others.  “I dismissed it as a simple remark made in pain, at the time.  But knowing what I do now, you saw the world reunited with the veil and it was not right.”

He turned back to the skyline and pondered silently for too long.  I continued.

“Is there a way to destroy the veil without waking the Evanuris, Fen Harel?  Can we reunite the world and the Fade without undoing the good that you did?”

He was taken aback by the mention of his title from my lips.  I didn’t mean to do it, but I was happy it made an impact.  

“We cannot,” He said simply, with no small amount of sorrow.  After a moment’s pause, as if he would regret his next words.  “However, we can prepare ourselves to fight.  In that state, we could defeat them.”  

I could not believe he was finally telling me what needed to be done.  Still I was frustrated, years of silence as he kept his plans to himself.  This was bigger than any foe we could ever dream up, but we could stand a chance.  I smiled at him.

“Then that’s precisely what we’ll do.”

He stood quiet for a moment, his brow worried in thought of what would come, and I watched him, remembering all the moments he was wrought with contemplation. He was alone, he felt, when he never had to be.  After a long pause he spoke again, a little lighter.

“It will be dawn soon, lethalin.  If you would do me a kindness, show me one of your memories?  I’d swell with pride to watch you alter the Fade.”  

I focused everything I had to the only thing I wanted to see in this moment.  I wanted to see my clan.  With Solas’ talk of his failings, I could hardly think of anything else but my own.  I ached to see them, and I let it take me over, to guide me to their memory.  

Within moments, the stone around us hazed away with a blur, transforming into a clearing of a thick wood.  I nearly ran to the visage, staying myself with all my will.  Our aravel stood there, real as ever, and past it was our camp.  Keeper Istimaethoriel stood by the edge of camp, speaking with a human pleasantly.  I brought us closer to camp, I wanted to see…

My sister, she was cooking over the fire on a spit, something she’d caught and killed herself no doubt.  Any hunting skills I could ever claim are thanks to her.  She liked to see it all through herself whenever possible...the hunt, the kill, shedding the pelt, cooking the meat.  

To the left some elders tended to the wares, sorting what we could sell, presumably to the human here now.  Our clan dealt frequently with humans, and our Keeper wanted us to have close dealings with them.  I didn’t hate them, the _shems_ , but I thought it was a waste of time.  There was so much about our own culture we didn’t know, pieces missing from everything, including our own language.  And yet we catered to the cultures of those who oppressed us.  Traded with them, made alliances with them.  Shipped some of our mages off to their colleges to be kept.  I wanted _more_.  I wanted to unlock our real history, to focus all effort we could to truly unlock the old ways.  

 _Well, wish granted, I suppose_.  

Far to the back I saw myself, still such an unnatural thing to see.  I was sat down in the dirt, twiddling my staff in my hands with my eyes keenly focused on our Keeper.  I looked so young, so new and unbridled and yet I carried all that worry on my face.  The two people with me were a sight I could hardly bear to see.  I moved us closer still.  Solas remained quiet as we watched.  

Faravel sat on the ground beside me.  He was Second to our Clan, but to me he was an invaluable friend.  In this moment, he was handing a waterskin out to me, wiggling it in front of my face to attempt to tear my attention away from the Keeper’s conversation.  I knew the look on my face.  I was trying to read their lips, to guess what they were saying.  I could not read lips.  

Lylan was standing upright, pacing behind me until finally he flicked me behind the ear.  A lithe and handsome thing he was, wasting his quickness on teasing me.

“You haven’t had any today,” He chided.  “Drink some blighted water already or you’ll break Faravel’s fragile heart.”

I saw myself snap to, taking the skin apologetically from my friend.  “Sorry, Faravel.  I just don’t know why he’s wasting time with these shems while we have so much to do as it is.”  I’d not used that word - that slur - in years...how alarming to hear it come from my lips in this memory.  

Solas simply watched, remaining the quiet observer.

Faravel motioned for me to hand the waterskin back.  “I know you do, friend.  Why can we not find time for both, lethalin?”  He often pushed me to question my biases, and I was often too stubborn to listen.  “Atisha ma’Enasalin.”

“Come on,” Lylan pleaded, kicking up some dirt and sitting to my other side.  “Can’t you focus all that _attention_  someplace else?” That filthy, gorgeous young man gave me a wink.  We never had, and we both knew we never would.  That’s just how he was, suggestive and bold and testing all our boundaries.  Besides, I was far too high maintenance for Lylan.  I’d seen the one-night visitors leave his tent before.  I might have been a naive young virgin, but I knew that wasn’t for me.  

“ _Lylan_ ,” Faravel scolded, giving him an eye that spoke louder than words.

But it broke my hold and I laughed, “If I called your bluff right now you would vanish from sight before Fen Harel could spot you!”

He smiled, smug.  “You don’t know that.”

My sister neared from her place by the fire, making eyes at Faravel that she didn’t think anyone noticed.  Well, Faravel sure didn’t.  The rest of us, we knew she wished for him.  She cleared her throat before she spoke.  “I caught a nug too large for me to eat alone, and I hear the Keeper has us on the move soon.  Will you eat with me?”

Faravel answered enthusiastically, “How thoughtful, thank you!  Yes, we really should.  Seren probably hasn’t eaten anything today.” He glared my way again.  

“I yield,” I exhaled, “Let’s eat.  Thank you Lorei.”

As we stood up to move toward her fire, I noticed that the Keeper had left the man’s side and was headed straight for us.   _I know this memory._   He stopped in front of the fire.

“Faravel, Da’len, may I speak with you privately?” his arms remained calm behind his back, his stance straight.

Faravel shrugged, “We are all lethalin here.  Please, speak freely.”

Our Keeper shook his head but obliged.  “There is a stir among the humans, a meeting set to resolve the issues between the mages and templars.  We have not a formal invite, however...one of us must be there.  They may discuss our fate…” He paused.  “Without us present.  I would like to know before hand, should such a thing occur.”

“And you wish me to go?”  Faravel questioned.  I had seen it, the Keeper’s fear.  Lylan could too, his eyes on me practically begging me to intervene.  

“Absolutely not.” I blurted.  Lylan’s face relaxed, slightly.  He was always Faravel’s keeper.  The man got himself into trouble too often to say, and Lylan knew he was asking for trouble.  “You do not wish to send your First, Keeper, but that is exactly why you must.”

“Seren, stop that.” Lorei scolded, “Just stop.”  Even she knew this meeting would be a danger.

I was being unnecessarily headstrong.  Why go in Faravel’s place?  Why insist so heavily?  It mattered not, I remembered that this was a simple memory.  I remembered that I was an ancient man compared to the one who stood there, pretending to be brave for the sake of my friend.  I’d reasoned with myself that if I should fall, he’d be First to the Clan, and he’d be much better at it than I.  

I was distraught and my clouded judgement faded the memory away, until we were both back at the majestic keep.  Solas steadied me with his hand as I hunched over...remembering that they were dead.  Lorei, Faravel, Lylan, the Keeper…Everyone, the letter had said.  

“You did well, lethalin.” Solas said, and I was unsure whether he meant in our travels through the Fade, or something more.

 

And then I woke up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Faravel and Lylan Lavelan are credited to the wonderful and BEAUTIFUL http://krem-alicious-aclassi.tumblr.com
> 
> Seriously I can only pray I did them any justice at all.
> 
> Translations:
> 
> Atisha ma’Enasalin : Peace will win


	10. Save Clan Lavellan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Seren and Sera go to collect on a job from the Jennies after his successful walk through the Fade.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Very VERY mild NSFW language in this one.

I woke from the Fade into reality disoriented and hazed.  We had to fight the Evanuris?  The elven gods themselves?  We’d need an army more powerful than the Inquisition’s.  We’d need multiple armies, enough to take down an arch demon or two.  But it was hard enough to get the nations to agree to a cause when they were being directly affected by the looming threat...they would never believe this.  

 

Still, Solas was one of those gods himself...and though the Solas I know now could freeze the most powerful man to stone without a pause, the Solas I met over four years ago had been awake a year and still wasn’t strong enough to activate his own artifact.  I'd saved his life myself more than once.  Perhaps that is what he meant.  Destroy them upon waking them because they will be as weak as mortals.  

 

_ Destroy my own gods. _

 

It’s strange, in the Fade I still have my arm, and I have started to think that is why the phantom pains are so much worse whenever I wake up from a sleep in which I’ve travelled there.  Still, I grabbed for it in instinct even though I knew it was not there.  

 

After I settled, I listened for the voices in the house.  Sera and Dagna were definitely awake, making a ruckus in the kitchen by the noise.  I soon noticed Varric was among the voices, he had become accustomed to coming here for brief respites when he needed to escape his duties for a while.  The distraction helped him, I knew.  Since Hawke left for Weisshaupt he was worried.  The wardens going quiet couldn’t mean anything good and with Alistair gone, Hawke felt like it was her responsibility to make sure the wardens were alright.  It was a comfort to know they were here with me, that I wasn't alone here. 

 

Before I could go out there, I wanted to check in with Dorian.  Fenris was already on his way to Tevinter, he had agreed to be Dorian’s eyes outside Minrathous.  Fenris had been killing slavers along the Imperial Highway for years now, but he never felt the need to find out who they were.  Now, he planned to find out who they intended to sell to, which slavers kidnapped from outside the borders, and which committed...additional acts of cruelty to those they imprisoned.  Then he was free to kill them as he liked.  

 

Slavery itself is quite legal still, and will be a long battle, but already Dorian has been able to put restrictions in place with Maevaris’ help.  He met little resistance making it illegal to sexually violate an owned person, even the Magisterium has *some* boundaries.  Making it illegal to buy and sell across the border was more of a challenge but he was able to garner enough support.  

 

Now it was time to show he meant to enforce those laws.  And Fenris was happy to help blow the whistle on every last corpse he left in his wake.  To avoid implicating the connection between Fenris and Dorian, Fenris would write his findings to me, and I would relay them via crystal.  Then Dorian would take legal, procedural action to bring those named to heel.  In the meantime, persuading more houses to go slaves free was an ongoing goal.  If most of the major houses dissolved their practice of slavery, the burden on the Tevinter economy will be less of a blow when it's finally outlawed. 

 

“On dea, ma Vhenan.  I’m alright.” I’m sure he barely slept all night knowing what I was up to.  I knew I was right when he answered so promptly.  

 

“Amatus!” He answered to happily for his usual demeanor, and corrected himself with a cough and a return to his velvety voice.  “So good of you to join the land of the living.”

 

“Have I overslept that badly?” I glanced through the window to try to guess the hour.  The sun was almost overhead...oh dear.  “Well, I’m sorry if I worried you.  That was…”

 

“...Well?”  He ended my pause.  “Did it work?”  

 

“I did it, vhenan.  I found him.  We were together for hours, we spoke of a plan, he told me his predicament and there is a solution. And then we travelled the fade to watch my clan together, from before.  I feel stuck in the surreal.”  I rambled on, wanting to tell him every detail.  I wish he had been there with me in the Fade, to have seen it by my side.  

 

“You are an absolute marvel, Amatus.”  He said with no amount of glib.  “You have no idea what you’ve done, have you?  A typical mage, learning to master fade-walking in weeks with no natural ability?  I don’t believe it’s ever happened before.”

 

I shrugged, even though he could not see me.  “Maybe the mark left me with some ---”

 

“ _Seren_ ,” He groaned.  “You cannot blame all your accomplishments on that blasted mark.  Especially now that it no longer even exists.”

 

“Point taken.”

 

“I have time, Amatus, tell me everything.  Our hearing isn’t for a few hours.  A particularly boring one, in fact.  Something about highway trade route infractions and the increase in migrants out of the major cities.  Not everything can be heroics, I must remember.”

 

I chuckled a bit at seeing him in my own shoes. “It’s true.  The Inquisition had me choosing successors to thrones I hadn’t even heard of before.  You’ll be great, Dorian.  One short meeting about roads and back to defeating the shackles of slavery in no time.”

 

“I should hope the highway conundrum is easier than the dismantling of ages-long traditions rooted in deep-seated bigotry.”  He chided.  “Now come on, tell me of your night.”

 

\-----

 

After I unloaded everything onto him, the plan Solas proposed, his castle built for the gods, and my walk down memory lane with my clan, I joined Sera and Dagna in the kitchen.  Sera and I had a date to keep at dusk, we’d robbed some stolen goods from a Comte (whose name has now been submitted to Varric for record) nearby who took them from a shop-keep who wouldn’t let him haggle down her already low prices.  We were going to make the drop tonight, get her her goods, get paid.  It was an easy job, but my first as a Jenny.  

 

So when dusk fell we ventured out to the streets, our eyes peeled for a red flag to mark our alley.  Hoods up, we clung to the walls and shadows and I made sure to keep my missing arm obscured under my cloak.  The city was quiet but I was too recognizable now to be lax.  After about a fifteen minute walk, Sera nudged my leg, motioning up at a wall on the next corner. 

 

An iron dagger stuck a red scarf to the wall just above the level of our heads.  Sera stood watch while I swiped it from the wall, and quickly we ducked around the corner into the alley.  At the end, a young human boy stood, hood up with a coin satchel in his hand.  I followed Sera’s leave, lowering my hood as we approached him.  

 

“Ah, so it is you!” He remarked with disbelief. “The Herald of Andraste picking noble pockets for the paupers? A Jenny?  I can hardly believe it.”

 

“Believe it,” I said with a wink too cocky for my own tastes, throwing the bag of goods to his hands.  He caught it easily and tossed over the satchel in return.  

 

“Well, Andraste’s arse, that’s one hell of an ally.”

 

I handed the bag to Sera, “Ooo, the good, good part” She remarked, “Hope her goods are worth at least double what she paid though.”

 

“It’s yours to keep in full, Sera” I reminded. “I’ve got a paid gig and coin from the Inquisition.  I want any copper I make on a job going to the rest of the Jenny’s.”

 

“Maker.” The boy awed.  “You really _are_ him.” As if he didn’t believe before.  

 

“Sure, _Kirkwall_ ,” Sera reminded me.  “Be as noble as you like, I’m buying new arrows.  And some of those pretty oils for Widdle.”

 

“Alright, alright.  Let’s get out of here.”  I flipped my hood back up and handed him back his dagger and scarf.  When we turned to leave he startled us.

 

“Wait!  Sorry, I forgot.” He stammered his words out.  “Sorry, it’s just, you’re the Herald and I didn’t expect...anyway I forgot.  Word for you from the Wycome Jennys.”  He passed her a sealed letter and then scurried about his way.  

 

Sera paused quietly and then stuffed the letter in her pouch, giving me a shove.  “Let’s go then, drinks on you, _Herald of Andraste_.”

 

“Drinks are _always_ on me, Sera.” I joked back as we made our way back home.  

 

\-----

 

When we got back to the estate Sera ran to drag Dagna out of her workspace while I went to the cellar to grab something to top the night off with.  Time to check back in with Dorian.

 

“Have you burned down any literal bridges, Vhenan?” I teased.  “Accidentally destroyed all means of travel through the Imperium?”

 

“Ah yes, the streets are ablaze with only one meeting,” he ribbed back.  “I am a talented man, after all.”

 

“I’m picking a wine, Dorian.” I sighed, looking puzzled at the racks in front of me.  I didn’t know anything about wine, I just knew that there were some I enjoyed and some I did not.  But Dorian had a skill for picking them.  “I made my first drop with the Jennys, Sera wants to celebrate.  What should I choose?”

 

“Ah, finally, a task for my skill set,” he laughed.  “What’s for supper?”

 

“Stew, from the looks of the kitchen.”

 

“Ah.” He hummed a moment. “Do you still have the 8:69 Carnal the Empress sent you? Two of those will do the three of you right.  Might even get you _talking_ later.” His last implication sent a chill up my spine.  It was nowhere near the bliss of touching him but listening to him whisper his filthy Tevine through the crystal as I pleaded for him was...quite nice.

 

I realized I had gone flush and paused, and cleared my throat.  “Ah, well, I’m not sure I’ll be saying too many _words_ , Dorian, but you’ve got a deal.”

 

\----

 

We had dinner and drank our first glass, Dorian was spot-on as usual.  Already we were floating just enough to laugh more than usual.  Dagna even more than Sera and myself.  

 

“I’d love to be a Jenny, but I’m too...clunky.”  She giggled.  “I could never sneak around, I’d bang into things too often.”

 

“Plus you laugh when you’re nervous,” Sera said and nuzzled a kiss into Dagna’s neck.  

 

“Please,” I interjected.  “You could probably enchant something to make you...less...clunky?” 

 

“I could!” She was actually excited for a moment.  “It’s not for me though, honestly I’d rather be here making sure _this one_ never runs out of arrows.”  She nudged her wife.  “And continuing on my research.  Speaking of which, I’ve been meaning to ask you something, Seren.”

 

“Go for it,” I said with the slightest drawl, pouring more glasses for the table. 

 

“The next time you walk in the Fade,” she hesitated briefly.  “Can I watch you?  Like!  I mean, study you?  Ugh, I mean I want to see what’s _happening_ to you physically while you’re there in your mind.”  

 

“What’s that?” Sera popped to attention.  “We switchin’ now?  That mean I get Dorian?  Too many buckles.  Too much appendage.”

 

“Her wife smacked her arm playfully.  “I mean I want to learn more, see if the Fade effects you while you’re there.  So, can I?”

 

“You know what Dagna, for you, anything.”  And I meant it.  This could actually be good.  Helpful.  

 

“Wait, um,” Sera grumbled.  “Before we drink anymore, I gotta say something.  I wanted you to have a drink in you in case it’s nothin’ but I…” She reached into her pouch and pulled out the letter from earlier.  Wycome, he’d said.   _But, that couldn’t be about…_

“I’ve had Jennies watching for your clan almost a year since someone thought they spotted some.  This has got to be the update and there hasn’t been much but…”  She gave up talking and handed it to me. 

 

“I haven’t read it yet.” She added.

 

I felt the wine rising back up to my throat a moment and swallowed it back down as I peeled open the seal.  Sera and Dagna didn’t even move as I read it.  

 

_ Kirkwall, _

 

__ News here, we’ve got a location on the remaining few from that clan.  Four is the most we’ve seen, and they seem to be living in hiding.  We haven’t spooked them, but we’ve got their location.  See the mark on the map.     
  
Be wary, some look injured.

 

_ Wycome _

 

I placed the letter slowly to the table and took slow, even breaths.   _Four.  Four of them are alive.  I can’t believe…_  “They found survivors.” I spoke plainly and tried to fight back hope as much as I could, but the booze made me tear.  “Not many, but clan Lavellan lives.”  

 

Sera slammed her hand on the table in triumph as Dagna jumped to my side to hug me tight.  

 

“Fuck yeah!” Sera cheered, raising her glass.  I had to let myself enjoy this.  For so long I had accepted it.  Our glasses emptied down our gullets in a moment only before the next round poured.  

 

And, as we laughed and celebrated, in my mind I quietly thought to myself.   _Lorei would be one of them.  She’s the best hunter I’ve ever seen.  My sister has to be alive._

 

\---

 

I woke in my bed still slightly hazed, my hand still tucked under my small clothes from my incredibly drunken goodnight with Dorian.  As I got up to wash I felt a shudder rise up in me with flashbacks to his voice saying _“Fasta vas, Amatus, If only you were here, please come for me.  Come for me Seren.”_

 

_Oh_.  I shook off the tingling feeling and composed myself to wish him a good morning. 

 

“Vhenan, I’m spoiled by you.  More goodnights like that one, please?” I said with a breathy voice, still feeling the flashback.

 

“I certainly slept better as well, Amatus.” I could hear him smile.  “Now, before you started whispering vicious things about tasting me last night, you mentioned something you had to tell me.  It seemed rather important but forgive me, I believe we got distracted.”

 

“Of course, Vhenan, I was too overwhelmed with want for you to tell you anything of any importance.”

 

“I disagree,” he argued.  “I think everything you said last night was _vitally_ important.”

 

“The Jennies came through, Dorian.” I blurted out all at once.  “There are survivors. Four, they found.  I have family, Vhenan.”

 

I heard his breath hitch as I spoke and he matched my joy.  “Praise the Maker, Seren.  Where?  How far?”  

 

I was shuffling through the book of letters I was keeping from everyone who wasn’t near.  “They’re in a cave in the Weyrs of Antiva.”

 

“Is Josephine--”

 

“She’s two days ride or more from Antiva City, but hang on, I swear I remember…” I flipped to the last page to find the last letter I received from Bull.  

 

_ Boss, _

 

_ Made some good coin in the Marches, but a good lead is bringing us up north next.  Former friend of the Inquisition paying for a personal security team, handsomely.   _

 

_ We’ll be put up in a Selema for a while then.  If you get bored pickpocketing with Sera and want to do some crushing, you’re always welcome to join.   _

 

_ Slap the Vint on the ass from the Chargers and me.   _

 

The _ Iron Bull _

 

“Bull is less than a full day’s ride from them.  I’ll get word to him first.” I was already pulling out my parchment and quill.  

 

_ Bull, _

 

_ I have an urgent request that I beg of you.  I know you and the Chargers have a gig, I’ll pay you if I’m pulling you from it.   _

 

_ The Jennies found survivors from my clan.  They’re hiding, injured, I’m sure distraught, but they’re alive.   _

 

_ Please, Bull, gold, meade, and lodging awaits you and yours if you can find them and get them here.  I’ll include the map, and something to reassure them that you're with me.  _

 

_ My regards to the gang. _

 

_ Seren _

 

Hope came back to me.


	11. Emma'ma, Vhenan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fluffy chapter while Seren waits for the Chargers to arrive.
> 
> Warning: SMUT at the end of this chapter. Probably bad smut. I'm sorry.

I was drained from the day prior, absolutely drained.  Solas, my clan...I couldn’t stand the wondering about who had survived.  Imagining, hoping, trying to will them into life.  I was sure my sister would have survived but would it felt blasphemous to hope for some lives over others.   Still, it would take a week or maybe more for the Chargers to make it here with them in tow.  I needed something to take my mind away from it.  Luckily, Varric had work for me, so I went to see him.  

 

“There’s so much of it!” I was absolutely puzzled by the amount of paperwork stacked on his desk.  

 

“Yeah, well you know it can’t all be fighting demons and darkspawn, Junebug.” He cut the stack in half and handed it to me.  “It’s time you learned how to live a less life-threatening lifestyle for a change.  Spoiler, it’s pretty boring.”

 

The first few weren’t too bad, tax documents needing a signature or deeds to be processed.  Then I came upon one pair of documents, two letters from two adjacent estates squabbling over a few feet of land.  They wanted it settled, by us.  I rolled my eyes nearly out of my skull and took a coin from my satchel and flipped it into the air.  

 

“One hour in and you’re already back to your Inquisition ways, I see?”  Varric probed, glancing up from his own pile of paperwork.  

 

I shrugged and smiled, noting the outcome of my coin toss.  “Making it up as I go, as always.”

 

“Well, I’d argue with you Junebug but it’s just worked so well for you in the past,” He laughed.  “Just don’t let that coin get us into any wars, please.”

 

\----

 

Even though the work was tedious, it kept my mind mostly from my troubles all day, until it was time to walk back home.  Dagna and Sera would both be gone tonight.   _Perfect timing to be alone._  Sera had a one-woman job that took her just outside town, so she’d be back in the early hours of morning.  Dagna was off meeting Leliana--Divine Victoria--in Val Royeaux.  She had made mountains of progress on her research of the blight, with new information about it’s anatomy piling up.  Her research could even possibly aid the Hero of Ferelden in their own quest, provided we could find her.  Dagna no longer felt loyal to the remaining Circles, and certainly not to Madame de Fer (at least for now), and felt better turning her research over to Leliana and the free mages of the chantry.  

 

Bright beyond most I’ve ever met, that one.  And from what Leliana says, she’s always been this way.  I just can’t believe someone who’s studied such darkness, and been through so much, could be so utterly joyful all the time.  It was a delight, especially with things so treacherous, both now and back when I’d first met her.  During some of the worst days, I’d retreat down to the undercroft and let her rattle off her ideas to me while she worked. Even if it was a topic of which I had no understanding, she was always so uplifting to listen to.  

 

But this evening it was an empty house.  Two letters were on my sill when I arrived, and I poured myself a glass of wine before settling to read them both.  Just in case.

 

_Boss,_

 

_‘Bout time you got some good news.  By the time you get this we’ll already have your people.  From there, should take us another four days to reach you.  Hope Kirkwall is ready for the Chargers._

 

_Horns Up,_

 

_The Iron Bull_

 

\--

 

_Seren,_

 

_Rue Milanus.  Buys them young, and they do not survive. High turnover.  The man he procures them from no longer exists on this plane or any other.  Qarinus._

 

_Fenris_

 

I let out my deeply held breath as I finished reading and set them both aside.   _Alright_.  I don’t know how long I was lost in thought when I felt the crystal humming against my chest.  

 

“Amatus?  It’s been quite a long day and I could use your marvelous ears.” My favorite voice was raspy and tired but longing, and I melted into my chair just to hear it.  “Well, to clarify, I could _really_ use much more than just your ears.  But I’ll take what I can get, if you will.”

 

“Emma’ma, Vhenan,” I whispered back.  “My ears, and all of me.  I’ve spent all day drowned in paperwork with Varric, and your voice alone is a reward.”

 

“ _The things you say, Amatus._ ” His voice sunk a little deeper, and was tender and raw.  It was not always easy for Dorian to let down his wall and show his heart, even with me.  His day must have done a number on him.  “I’ve barely stopped all week, and today even less.  Mae and I have been lobbying the other houses to become Liberati, and a genuine movement seems to be in it’s infancy.  Which is good, of course.  But it means a stronger pushback from the opposition as well.”  

 

I sipped my wine and leaned back, just listening, with my eyes shut to better remember his face.  

 

“And today we heard from a few of them.  Quite a few.  Came right to the Senate doors and demanded to be heard.  Unfortunately they had reasoned arguments, all pertaining to our fragile economy and conveniently _none_ pertaining to their fascination with power and _ownership_.”  His words were dripping with bitter anger.  “Which is what this is really about.”  

 

“Luckily,” He continued, after a pause. “We have numbers slowly rolling in from cities where slaves have been freed in large numbers, and it seems that so far the economies there have _boosted_  in prosperity slightly.  Nothing solid yet, but we’re gathering up the bits and pieces.”

 

“That’s good news, Vhenan,” I remarked earnestly, proudly.  “You are doing this all without war, and with quicker progress than one could have ever hoped.  You and Mae, both of you.”

 

“Maker knows how.” He spoke solemnly.  

 

“Because you are remarkable and driven,” I insisted.  “I am not at all surprised by your success, just impressed.”

 

“If I am driven, Amatus, it is only to get you here quicker.”  He was being sweeter than usual tonight, and his warm words halted my breath as I swallowed the need to kiss him.

 

“Ar lath ma, Dorian,” I breathed. “Soon.   _Melanadas_.”  

 

He sighed with a wistful sound, then cleared his breath to compose himself.  “Any news?  From Fenris?  Or from Bull?”

 

“Both, actually,” I stiffened, pulling myself out of the moment as well.  “Fenris has a name for you, in fact.  Rue Milanus,” I heard him start to scratch his quill on his parchment. “In Qarinus.  Apparently she...buys young slaves and apparently…” This was harder than I thought, to say outloud.  “Apparently they don’t last very long.  She has a high _turnover_.”

 

“Andraste’s arse, of course.”  He took down a gulp of something, likely whiskey or wine.  “Thank you, Amatus.  We’ll see that she’s dealt with.”

 

Just the sounds of quiet breathing passed between us for a few moments before he spoke again.  “And of your clan?  What news did Bull send?”

 

“They’re on their way,” I tried not to let my anxiety show.  Failing, likely.  “They should be here in just a few days.”

 

“That’s marvelous, Amatus.  Once they’re settled, I must find a way to come and visit.”  His voice was genuinely uplifted at the start, but by the end of his sentence he sounded full of stress again.  “Did you say Bull was bringing them?  Are all the Chargers coming as well?”

 

“The whole crew and Maryden, I expect.” I scanned his letter, it didn’t specifically say _everyone_ but I think I caught Bull’s meaning.  “Why do you ask?”

 

“It’s just…” his voice trailed away, paused by a sip from a glass.  “You should convince them to stay, for a while.  There must be work they could find in Kirkwall?  Or perhaps they could use some time off?”

 

He’s leading to something, but what I couldn’t guess.  “What’s this about, Vhenan?”

 

He drew in a deep breath before answering.  “There is something else I need to tell you.  The _rumor_  of our relationship and it’s nature has finally reached Minrathous.  One of my staff heard it being murmured about in the marketplace between a few local Soporati today.  Rumors like _that_  will spread faster than wildfire and before I can blink the entire Magisterium will have heard it.”  

 

I was spinning, I felt a burn in my chest that something as wonderful and innocuous as my love for this man could be considered as a nasty rumor, something to be kept quiet and secret, locked away.  But he only took a breath and continued.

 

“I’ve made a decision, personally.  Once the rumors reach the Senate they will address me for answers and I,” He cleared his throat, and spoke clearly and with determination.  “I will not deny you, when I am pressed.”

 

“ _Dorian_ ,” I attempted to persuade.  Of course I hated being a secret, but I never wanted him to compromise his work or _fenedhis_ , even his life.

 

“No.  I’ve given this far too much thought and my mind is made up.  You’ve never denied me, not even when all of your most trusted advisors and friends warned you that I was a snake in the grass.  Not when it would have undermined the Inquisition’s message to even have my name recorded in its roster.  I’ll tell them the truth, once they ask.”

 

He paused, taking another gulp from his glass and letting the glass slam to the table. “This will put an even bigger target on your back, however.  There is a growing outrage among those who oppose my work, and as you can imagine...they are not the nicest sort.  Just see if you can get them to stay, at least until I can determine how bad the reaction will be?  Please, Amatus.”

 

I cannot resist his pleading voice, and my arm almost lifted up from the instinct to cup his cheek and sooth his face.  My heart did race a little, actually, it’s been a long while since I’d feared for my own life.  “Vhenan, of course.” I tried to calm us both.  “I will be alright.  I’ll talk to Varric and see if he can’t set up some traps along the property.  I’ll set wards at night before I sleep.  Sera already sleeps with one eye open.  And Dagna has an arsenal of half-finished weapons by the forge.  I am well protected here, Dorian.”

 

I’d actually convinced myself, finding myself calmer by the end of my own sentence.  I hoped that Dorian felt relieved by it too, at least a little.  

 

“Thank you, Amatus, “He exhaled as if he’d been holding his breath.  “You’re right.  In a way, I think I’ll be glad to have it all out.  I’ll be the first in Senate history to be admitted and proud of such a thing.  Following in Mae’s footsteps, of course.”

 

“They are good footsteps to follow.” I returned, the pride in him returning to me, batting away the fears.  “You’ve been doing amazing things, Vhenan, and I could not be more proud of you.  I love you, Dorian.”

 

“I love you, Seren.” He said those words so rarely, but anytime he did it was with a forceful declaration.  “Thank you.  I actually feel as though I could sleep, and not even an hour ago I was sure I’d be up all night.  A credit to your marvelous ears.”

 

“Get some rest then, Vhenan. You’ve had a hellish day.  I’ll do the same.”  I sighed, looking back at the empty bed behind me.  Quietly wishing for him to appear in it.  “You amaze me.  I’ll call for you in the morning.”

 

“I’ll answer, Amatus.” And with that our crystals stopped their humming and silence filled my bedroom.  It was all encompassing, the need I had to feel myself against him after all that was just said.  

 

But I crawled into the cool bed and tried to determine how this sleep should go.  I don’t think I could handle another meet with Solas so soon, not today.  And I knew that if I let myself dream, I’d see visions of my clan, and I truly wasn’t ready for that either.  Eventually, I realized something that should have been so obvious.  

 

_Seren, you utter idiot_

 

It finally hit me.  I can manipulate the Fade to _my_ will now, and I cannot believe I didn’t realize what that meant.  How this could have evaded me for even a few weeks is beyond my imagination.  No more dallying, I had a new, more present mission.   _I’ll find Dorian in the Fade._

 

I set my thoughts on him, memories of stolen, secret kisses.  Arguments with hidden meanings.  Covert sneaking into tents for quiet love making.   _Loud, impassioned, ground-shaking love making._

 

It didn’t take long before I was asleep and in the Fade, watching a memory of us in bed, hands entwined.  I looked down, surprised to see my left arm missing - as it should be.  I suppose my connection to the Fade is stronger now, or perhaps I’ve finally acclimated to being without it.  I couldn’t tell when view before had taken place, or if it was just an invention of my mind.  No matter, I wasn’t staying to watch while my Dorian’s hand was somewhere left untouched.  I focused everything on him.  His smell, his smile, his skin...and the Fade began to shift around me, leading me away.

 

When the images began to settle, I was confused at first, thinking I’d made an error.  It was dark, and cold and there were hooded figures in the distance, robed men and women standing and chanting in a language I only barely recognized.  As I moved closer, I nearly lunged forward at the sight of _my_  Dorian, restrained by chains both steel and magical against a wall, screaming a string of swears and pleas and pulling relentlessly for freedom.  I hesitated, realizing that this must be a nightmare of some horrible nature, and I didn’t want to scare him any more than he already must be.  

 

The robed figures were crowded around something in front of Dorian, but I could not see what at first.  When they finally began moving away my whole body recoiled.  It was me, in a crumpled heap on the ground weeping and bleeding from wounds that were _everywhere_  on my body.

 

_This is what he’s afraid will happen._

 

It was all I could muster to close my eyes to the horror in front of me, demanding the Fade to change the scene, willing away those horrors with _everything_  that I had.  With a delay, I did succeed, moving close to Dorian and easing him down as the chains around his arms fell away.  He looked at me with confusion as the dark, cold basement became a field with a warm sun overhead, the bleeding body of his lover vanishing.  I’d shown us a spot in the Hinterlands that we’d escaped to one day, after Corripheus had been defeated. I’d told him there that I loved him, really loved him.  He couldn’t get those words out that day, but they were there in every kiss he marked me with.  

 

“Seren?”  He scanned me, eyes darting up and down to try to comprehend.  “Are you alright?  Are we...there was...you were just…”

 

“Shhh, Vhenan,” I lifted my hand to his cheek and gasped at how remarkably real it felt to touch him here.  “It’s me.  We went to sleep and I sought you out.  You were having a nightmare, but it wasn’t real.  I sent it away.  It’s just us here now.”

 

He settled a little and embraced me tightly, and I let myself nuzzle into his neck to find my favorite spot.  After a long pause he pulled back and looked at me as though he were studying.  

 

“You are an absolute wonder,” He said, breaking his silence.  “I cannot believe you’ve done this.”

 

“I cannot believe I did not do it sooner,” I smiled coyly at him, pulling just slightly on the back of his neck toward me.  “Kiss me, Vhenan.”

 

He obliged, in a hurried movement he crashed against my lips and our tongues fought against each other.  It felt _real_  and warm and desperate.  I slipped my hand up into his hair and scratched his scalp, and he pulled me by the waist into him.  I’m realizing that I don’t even understand how this is even _possible_ , to feel the pressure of his hips rocking against mine, the wetness of his tongue against my lips, when we aren’t even physical here.  

 

And then I realized that I do not care remotely right now.  

 

I pulled away from his hold and guided him to the grass, pushing him gently to the ground and straddling his lap.  I kissed him hard again, rolling my hips against him and moaning softly against his lips at the feel of him hardening under me.  

 

_Creators, I missed this_

 

He reached up under my shirt, pulling it up and over my head, breaking our kiss.  When he pulled me back to him he put his lips to my ear, kissing and sending shivers through me.  

 

“My filthy little somniari,” He growled low into my ear, and I writhed against him in response.   _Fenedhis, that voice_.  “All the power of the Fade is in your hand and you used it to come seduce me, have you?”

 

“Is it working?” I shuddered back, my voice unsteady as I desperately grinded against him, wishing I had both hands still to tear these clothes away from him.   _Or maybe I don’t need my hands?_

 

I pulled at the Fade and at once there was no more fabric between us, I felt his skin on mine and my grinding hips were pressing our aching erections flush together.  

 

“Fasta vass, Amatus,” he moaned into my ear before he lay back, pulling me down with him.  His hands wandered down to my ass and he ventured one finger to tease me gently at my entrance.  The gentle touch gave me shivers but it wasn’t enough, and I writhed back against his hand without shame.  He took my hint and pressed inside me with remarkable ease.  It’s _different_  here.  There was no resistance but I still felt him inside me, his finger searching for the spot that ruins me.

 

It did not take him long to find it, and when he did I was frozen mid-kiss, moaning wantonly directly against his lips.  I felt him smile as I did, proud of himself as usual.  He just loved to see me come apart at his whim.  Not that I minded.

 

He wrapped his free hand around me tightly and pulled me down close against him, rolling us over in one fluid motion so that he was above me now, his finger still beckoning me closer and closer.  The weight of him on me felt perfect, his chest against mine and the heat of his breath against my ear.  

 

“Maker, I love seeing you come undone so quickly Amatus,” His voice was a low growl in my ear, primal and demanding and I couldn’t help but cry out in response, grinding my hips up against him and clutching his shoulder, proving his point entirely.  

 

He pulled back slightly, still sending shudders and spasms through me with his finger, playing with pressure and warmth and electricity from his magic.  I tried to pull him back down against me but failed, and he smirked at me, sliding his other hand down my torso slowly - too slowly - to my now painfully aching cock.  He barely touched me, just gliding one finger down the length of me as it twitched in response.  

 

“Elvarel,” I begged.  “Please, Vhenan.”   _Creators, I need this, him._

 

“Tell me,” He said, eyes locked on mine as his hand _finally_ wrapped around me, adding pressure and friction and _oh,_  I felt like I could lose a grip and fall right out of the Fade.  And when he spoke again I was sure I had.  “Dirth ma isala emma’in ma.” He said it slowly, deliberately with practiced perfection.   _Oh, he’s been studying Elven alright._

 

That sent me into a desperate frenzy, I felt as if I’d die without him filling me up.  I lifted my back up off the ground to kiss him urgently.

 

“I need you, Vhenan,” I begged earnestly against his lips, kissing him there and then trailing kisses down his neck as he tortured me. “Please.”

 

He rewarded my begging with more teasing, gently grazing his thumb against the swollen head of me so lightly. My cock twitched again and a whimper escaped me, a truly desperate sound I would be mortified for anyone but him to hear.

 

“Isala emma’in ma,” I tried again, keeping my eyes on his before trailing more kisses along his chest.

 

He all but shoved me down flat on my back and slid his finger out of me, leaving me aching there for just a moment while he inched his hips closer. I started to lift my leg and he grabbed it, settling it over his shoulder as he leaned over me. I felt the heat of him at my opening now, lightly pressing against it. With one hand gripping the leg I had draped over him, he brought the other up to hold my cheek.

 

That touch focused me, and I opened my eyes to look in his. It was clear that's what he wanted, and he slowly thrust forward, sinking himself inside me. I tried to keep my eyes on his but the sensation of finally feeling him shook me and my head fell back against the grass. I went away for a moment.

 

He moved slowly at first, pausing each time he was fully seated inside me.   After a few of these deliberate moves, he tightened his grip on my leg and neck and lowered his lips down to my ear.

 

“You are _mine_ , Amatus,” he growled. He was possessive, like he was claiming me. It was slightly unlike him but it was true, and I _loved_  it.

 

“I _am_ ,” I agreed, turning my head to claim a kiss.  “I am all yours Vhenan.”

 

He quickened his pace, with deep, rocking thrusts that left incessant pressure in that perfect spot. This man knew exactly what to do to make me come however and wherever he wanted.

 

“Say it again?” he asked, his voice a bit weaker and shaking as he withdrew his hand from the back of my neck and to my hand. He guided it between us, silently telling me to pleasure myself. I did so, knowing that I would not last much longer this way.

 

“I'm yours, Dorian.  Emma'ma.”

 

Faster, he rocked against me, and I felt us both swelling. I was getting dizzy now, losing focus on anything that wasn't the building pressure aching to release.

 

I said it again and again in both languages in delirious ecstasy, and he started moaning velvet sounds into the skin of my neck as we both grew closer.

 

“Come with me Amatus,” he whispered to me finally, and it sent me over. I was shaking as the waves crashed over me. When it slowed, he let down my leg, staying draped across me. I used my hand to draw warming glyphs on the muscles of his back to relax him. We laid there like that, for an amount of time I couldn't guess before he lifted his head to look at me.

 

“I'll protect you, Seren.” He declared it, as if saying it was a contract he was committing to. I think this was something he needed to know, that if his plans put a target on my back he would be able to keep me safe. That he could fulfill his destiny without losing me.

 

I felt the same way, for our first two years together. In this moment I really recognized it for what it was.

 

“You always have, Dorian” I promised him. “From the very first time we met, remember?”

 

He smiled and relaxed against me, planting kisses every few moments on my cheek or shoulder until things began to shift around us, fading and dimming until--

 

I awoke in my bed, alone but full of a strange satisfaction.

  
My crystal hummed as Dorian chided, “Sleep well?” And I smiled, finally feeling relief.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Emma’ma - I'm yours
> 
> Liberati - Free from slavery
> 
> Melanadas - Forever
> 
> somniari - a dreamer, someone who can manipulate the Fade at will
> 
> Dirth ma isala emma’in ma - Tell me you need me inside you


	12. Reunions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Chargers arrive in Kirkwall with the remaining survivors of clan Lavellan.

_Herald,_

_I’m sorry that it’s been so long since I’ve written. Life has been so uncharacteristically peaceful, I found myself swept up in it. It’s been a long time since I can remember feeling this way._

_Many ex-templars have joined us now, and Divine Victoria has extended some assistance to help us keep up with them all. There is no lyrium here. No lyrium, no wars, no rebellions. I sleep through the night here._

_Lady Trevelyan has been an amazing talent at caring for the men and women here. I’m sad you never truly had the chance to get to know her. She’s a talented mage, a healer. I told her of your new ability to travel the Fade. She says that what you’re doing is remarkable, that it should not be possible. That Dreamers are born, not made._

_Which makes me wonder, are you alright? If it is as she says, it must mean you are once again traveling an uncharted road. I regret that you have yet to find respite. That so much still rests on your shoulders speaks to the harsh demands of the Maker._

_We are set to meet again with Nightingale in just a few months. Still, in the meantime should you have need of us, we are at your side._

_Andraste guide you, Herald,_  
_Cullen Rutherford_

\--

_My dear friend,_

_I must say that I am deeply concerned with your latest news. Traveling the Fade is already dangerous enough as it is. Meeting with Solas there brings a new level of danger. I know that you care for him and wish to stop his plan peacefully. Trust me, I do as well. However, you know now that you should not rush to trust what he says. Please, use caution. As always, I fight by your side should the need arise._

_Things are well here. The Seekers of Truth are growing again, slowly. Now my goal is to perfect the reversal for the Rite, to ensure that it is more safe and successful than before. I do not want this attempted en masse without a certainty that it will not cause even more harm._

_We meet in a few short months. It will be so good to see you again. Please do not sully our reunion by getting yourself killed._

_Maker watch over you,_  
_Cass_

They should arrive today, if their travels went well. Staying occupied this week enough to keep my worrying to a minimum has been nearly impossible, even with Varric’s endless pile of paperwork and meetings. Today, however, I stayed home. Depending on how much trouble they had, they could arrive at any time today. I had to be here. Besides, Sera has been without Dagna for a whole week now, and I’ve been mostly occupied. We could use some time together.

By the sounds of the crashing and clunking sounds outside my bedroom door...I’d wager Sera agreed. I started to ready myself for this day, focusing everything on remaining calm. _They’ll make it here, give it time_. Over and over I repeated my mantra. Until I was interrupted in the greatest way. A humming against my chest.

“Amatus,” I could eat that voice. “Big days for both of us today I’m afraid. Some political kerfuffle is apparently worth calling an emergency hearing. I simply can’t wait to hear what it is this time.”

He paused a beat, taking the opportunity for an exaggerated sigh of exasperation, and then, “Did you sleep at all?”

“I slept,” I sighed in frustration, trying to make the buttons on my shirt work one-handed. “Just not very deeply. The dreams I had were...not kind.” I slipped a button again. “Fenedhis!”

“Is something the matter?”

“No.” I lied. “Well, not really anyway. I’m just...I’m still not very good at dressing without my left hand. Buttons are...problematic.”

He laughed that cocky, low chuckle of his that came out whenever he found one of my flaws endearing. If he were anyone else, I’d be openly offended.

“Amatus, were I there I’d be happy to assist you.” He said sincerely after his laugh faded.

“Well,” I chided. “You get me out of these clothes so easily it’s only fair you’d help get me back into them.”

“Touche.” He was silent for a moment and my mind wandered at my own suggestion. What a miraculous thing it would be for him to be here, in front of me, clasping these Maker-forsaken things. The sound of him clearing his throat brings me back. “I have to be going Amatus, but I’ll check in with you after the hearing.”

“Let me know how it goes,” I begged. “Please?”

“Oh, no doubt it will go smooth as silk.”

\------

  
The kitchen was...a blighted mess when I walked in. A storm had hit it, it appeared, and Sera was at it’s center stirring something in a metal pot. Although, from the look of it, most of what she had made was on her instead.

“‘Bout time you woke up, Inky.” She didn’t even turn around, just kept stirring. “Come on, help!”

“Help with...what? Sera you remember the last time we made cookies…” Oh creators, it was a terror. They were chewy and raw on the inside. And we might have started a small fire in the kitchens and _perhaps_  some of the kitchen staff saw that I was there and _maybe_  a rumor that “The Herald of Andraste tried to burn down Skyhold in frustration” went around some corners of the keep for a while.

“It’s _fine_  now, just come help.” She pointed her elbow at another two bowls on the table. “Dagna is good at this stuff. She was telling me about a recipe she learned in the Circle and, well, sometimes I write down the things she says just ‘cause it’s her, y’know? Well, this time it’s good ‘cause what I wrote down is cookies!”

“Alright, I give in!” I picked up a wooden spoon and claimed a spot across from her at the table in the center of the mess. Mixing the ingredients she laid out I stirred and actually felt a little bit eased. “So what’s this all about?”

“You’ve got people comin’.” She said plainly. “It’s been a long time since you had guests who weren’t Inquisition, or trying to drag you back into more schemes. Besides, if it’s like the letter said, they’ve had a rough go of it. Almost two years of runnin’ and hidin’ and surviving. I dunno, I just think it’d be nice if they showed up and there was cookies.”

“That’s a fantastic idea, Sera.” It really was. So we stirred and set them and put them over the fire. It took us about an hour or so, and cleaning up after the colossal mess took the rest of the morning. I was about to retire to the bath to get the flour off of my face when there was a knock at the door.

I didn’t pause or think, I ran to it. And tried, my very best to open the door in a calm fashion. When I did, I saw a smiling brown-haired beauty with a mandolin strapped to her back and a strikingly handsome young man with sun-kissed skin. Maryden and Krem, hand in hand, would have been a sight for sore eyes if not for one thing. They were alone. Still, I threw my arm around Krem’s shoulder for my best attempt at a hug and Maryden threw her arms around both our necks.

“Is…” I started to talk when we pulled apart, unsure of how to ask.

Maryden nudged him with her elbow, though, and Krem cleared his throat. “Right. Chief sent us ahead. He and the rest of the Chargers, and your people, are on the way, only about half a day behind us. They left after we did so Stitches could do some work on their injuries enough for travel.”

I didn’t realize I was holding my breath until he said that, and I finally let it go in a sigh of relief. “Creators, thank you.” _Huh, still a habit._  “Get on in here. Sera’s here too, and Dagna should be back in a few days. We should send for Varric, maybe get a game going while we wait. Maryden, I’d avoid that song about Sera, but I’d love to hear you play again.”

They walked in and took some seats at the table as I went to check on Sera. She was entirely passed out, still covered in flour. _Fenedhis, I must look insane._  I never had the chance to wash off. I quickly ran to the washroom to try to wipe some of the flour off my face before I reentered the kitchen.

“Sera’s asleep, and she won’t thank us for waking her up.”

“That’s alright.” Maryden assured.

“Look, Seren,” Krem interjected. “There’s a reason the Chief sent us ahead. We know you got intel that there were four survivors in that area. We found them, but the information you got was either old or wrong. There were two. Bull didn’t want you blindsighted during your reunion.”

 _Oh_. I said nothing for too long. Only two survivors. Of the whole clan. What was there to say? _Get it together Lavellan, you went through this once already when you thought there were NO survivors. This is still good. This is still better._

I was finally able to shake myself from my thoughts. “Thank you, Krem. Bull was right, it’s good that you came and told me ahead of time. Can I ask...did they tell you who they were?”

“Oh yes!” Maryden said. She knew people, she always connected with the patrons of whatever tavern she sang in. And she noticed things, like when the mood was too quiet and called for some bright and cheery, or when the people were too full of sorrow for celebrating and needed a song that would match their hearts.

“One is a sweet young man with chestnut hair,” she described. “He’s a kind boy, and a mage like yourself. Said he was the Keeper? Or something like that?”

“Faravel!” Andraste’s salty ass, Faravel made it. And that probably means…

“The other is quite the firecracker, if you don’t mind me saying.”

Krem cleared his throat. “Yeah, putting it mildly.”

“He was only kidding, Krem. Besides, I’m yours, you know that. Anyway, dark red hair and a quick tongue, guarded the other man like a warrior.”

“Lylan,” I said. “They were my closest friends, before everything.” I tried not to think of Lorei and failed. I should not feel this way, that anyone at all survived is a miracle and I should be grateful. Still, I had built this up in my head. I convinced myself that she’d survived.

“You both must be exhausted. We have room enough for you two here, and the rest of the chargers can bunk at the Hanged Man on my coin.” I showed them the way to one of the rooms adjacent to Sera’s and left them to themselves.

I asked my staff for a few things, to send word to Varric to come by tonight, and to reserve room enough at the Hanged Man. Once that was underway I retreated to my room. I didn’t bother to make it to my desk, just sliding down to sit on the cold floor with my back against the door. I tried to meditate, like Faravel and I would do in the old days. Tried to clear that negativity away and focus on how truly happy I was that Faravel and Lylan would be here, alive, in just a few hours.

It wasn’t going too well, but then, that warm hum against my chest began. “Ah, Amatus. What an excruciatingly long day. And it’s barely midday. I hope you’ve had a better go of it than I have.”

“How was the hearing, Vhenan?”

“Dreadful,” He groaned. “And not over, apparently. We’ve only stopped for recess. They can’t quite get enough of my handsome visage I expect. Any word from The Iron Bull?”

“Yes, actually. Krem and Maryden arrived ahead of the rest.”

“And? Have they said anything? Is Lorei…”

“No.” I cut him off. “She’s not among the survivors.” _Oh, there it is. I’m crying now. I guess better now than later, when they’re here._  Sobs broke through the weak walls I was trying to keep up, and Dorian let out a heavy, deep sigh.

“Amatus, I’m so sorry. That this happened, and that I’m not there to see you make a mess of your handsome face.” He always teases, in times like this. I used to feel offended but I know now that’s his way of coping with pain. “Will you come to me tonight?”

“Yes, Vhenan. You’re all I wish to dream.” The tears slowed, and I could catch my breath again.

“Good. I’ll make it up to you then, Amatus.” I heard some sounds in the distance, knocking perhaps. “I should be going. Keep your chin up, Seren. You look more dashing that way.”

\----

The Chargers arrived just after dusk. Sera, Krem, Maryden, Varric and I were all practicing our Wicked Grace in a few rounds without bets. “Plenty of time for us to lose money once Tiny gets here,” Varric had suggested.

Bull was the first one I saw when I opened the door, in fact he was the only one I could see. Everyone else was obscured behind him. He nodded his way through the doorway, watching for his horns.

“Boy, it’s good to see you Boss. It’ll be even better to see you if there’s ale.” He mussed up my hair with his hand.

“Over here ya big lug,” Sera waved him over, already pouring more mugs full. “Inky got us set up real nice tonight.”

And there they were. Lylan and Faravel standing so very, very alive and right before my eyes. They stared at me for a few moments, probably adjusting to the fact that I’ve aged eight years in only four and am down one limb since they last saw me. They looked a bit banged up but I’m guessing it was far worse before Stitches did their thing.

The pause was broken by Faravel, who lept at me, his arms flung around my neck and sobs of relief spilling into the crook of my neck. I gripped him back with my remaining hand and cherished this moment. _They're alive. They're alive._

“Well,” Lylan walked over to us, and put a hand steady on my shoulder. “You look like shit, Seren.”

I laughed, and he hugged us both. We stayed like that a while, the Chargers already piled in around the table sipping ale and listening to Varric catch them up on everyone’s business. When Faravel finally pulled back, he was looking me up and down, that old worry coming over his face like it used to. I grabbed his hand to snap him out of it.

“Come on,” I tugged his hand to follow me. “Let’s grab some ale for ourselves and slip away from the noise for a few minutes?”

Bull already had three mugs poured for us, and handed them over when we came near. The kitchen was full of more joy than it ever had been. Sera was upside down in her chair laughing at something Dalish and Stitches were saying. Krem was trying to distract Maryden while she played. Varric was regaling the others with his newest tales. Bull was standing off to the side, quietly sipping his drink and observing. I motioned for him to follow us.

We slipped away to my room and shut the door, muting the rowdy noises outside.

“Are either of you hurt?”

“You keep some strange company these days, lethalin,” Faravel spoke, calmly. “But they are quite skilled. Thanks to them, we’re alright.”

“Stitches thinks you could use a few days rest,” Bull added. “You were in pretty bad shape when we found you.”

“I would not object to that.”

“Our injuries are fine,” Lylan’s voice was sharp. “After everything we’ve been through, a few bruises aren’t anything.”

“I am so sorry,” I was barely keeping the tears back. “I should have come myself when the clan was in trouble. I should never have trusted our men to handle it peacefully. This was my fault.”

“Venadis, Falon” Faravel reached his free hand for me. “If you’d have come, we might have lost you too. Mas Suledin.” It was so good to hear Elven from someone’s lips than my own.

“Faravel did his job better than anyone ever thought, you know.” Lylan was pacing, his mug already empty. “He was Keeper, the moment that Isthamathorial fell. He fought and tried to get as many out as he could.”

“I never doubted.” It’s true. I always _wanted_  to be Keeper, but I was too angry and stubborn. I’d have thrown all our good relations with the humans away in pursuit of our history. Faravel was the better choice.

“Don’t sell yourself short, Red,” Bull spoke up, looking to Lylan. “I saw you fight. You did well staying alive out there.”

Just then the humming against my chest started, and when Dorian’s voice came through the crystal _everyone_  stopped to stare bewildered.

“Amatus,” He sounded exhausted. “Have they arrived?”

“They’re here now, Vhenan.” When I spoke that word both Lylan and Faravel cocked their heads to the side, Lylan snickering a tiny bit. “Are you alright, Dorian?”

“Just worn from a day of political debauchery. Nothing I can’t handle. Don’t let me interrupt your reunion, we’ll catch up later.”

“Get some sleep, ma lath.” I breathed shamelessly. “Ar garas ma sumeil.”

The curious look on Faravel’s face was increasing in intensity. He looked as if he were trying to puzzle me out.

“Until then, my somniari. Enjoy your evening, do drink something for me, will you?”

The crystal’s hum stopped and quiet filled the room. The awareness of how this must look to them has brought a hot red to my face.

“Well,” Bull coughed. “That’s a neat trick, Boss. Bet it helps with the uh… _intimacy_.”

And I’m even redder now.

“I can’t believe what I’m hearing!” Lylan was actually laughing. “Seren Lavellan, in love with a man. I _knew_  you went my way. Can’t believe you held out on me like that.”

Bull laughed and joined in on the fun. “You’re too wild for him anyway, Red. Dorian’s more the ‘sweet and pretty’ type.”

“So...you’re in love with him?” Faravel pondered. “And he is one of the shemlen that you led in the war?”

“I am. And I was wrong in how I felt about humans back then, Vel.” I still shudder to think of how bitterly I threw around the word _shem_. “Without him, we’d have lost the war only a month into it. He’s still off saving the world even now, in his own way.”

“It seems...comfortable,” He said, decidedly. “I’m pleased for you, Falon.”

We have so much to catch up on, and I’m trying my best to catalogue everything that needs to be said. But my sadness still wells up inside me and I can’t help but give in to my curiosities.

“When my people spotted you, they sent word that there were four of you alive and in hiding.” I blurted it out, in an awkward non sequitur fashion.

“Right,” Lylan scoffed. “Your _people_  got word to you late. We were six when we first escaped camp thanks to Vel and Lorei.”

My eyes grew larger with the mention of my sister. I tried to say something but my breath was caught in my throat. Faravel looked broken at the mention of her name, and he turned away from us, sitting at the edge of my bed. Lylan looked like he could cry or hit someone, or both.

Bull stepped out for a few moments, coming back with freshly filled mugs. Everyone was quiet for a while, as we drank hastily.

“Fuck it, I know you have to know this,” Lylan finally broke the silence. “When we first got away, we had no idea what chaos we were running toward. We knew the Veil was torn but we had no way to prepare...a few weeks in we tried finding a cave to hold up in. Turned a corner and BAM, demons bloody everywhere. Endless demons. We took out probably eight of ‘em before we realized they’d never stop coming. Lorei practically had to drag us away before we ran.”

“We lost two that day,” Faravel mourned, still looking away from the rest of us. “Hahren Lyso and...Da’len Teilian.”

 _Creators, the children_. I felt my knees weaken beneath me and grabbed my chair, falling into it.

“So then it’s just us and Lorei and little Darin making it out there.” Lylan’s pacing quickened and his hands gesticulated as he told us the story. “We eventually found a place to hide, barely staying alive while this war from the sky rages on. And eventually it all stops, right? Your doing, yeah? And so like fools we decide it’s safe to travel again, find our way back to a city. See if we could find you, settle somewhere. But somewhere along the road we were ambushed. Men and women in hooded armor had traps set around their aravel, I didn’t see it in time and Darin triggered one.”

“That was three,” Faravel barely whispered.

“Then they came out, weapons up and straight away two of them try to snatch me and Vel up, trying to shuffle us toward the caravan. Neither of us had our weapons drawn, Vel’s trying to cast wards while he’s fighting them off him, but Lorei was back far enough to draw her bow. They guy who had Faravel was dead in a second by her arrow. And she took out the guy who had me right after. We were able to arm ourselves, but there were so many of these thugs, and two of ‘em grabbed hold of Lorei while she was reloading her bow. Dragged her off kicking. More came at us and she screamed at us to run. Vel kept trying to throw bolts at the guy, but he got cover. They were closing in on him and so I threw down my last cloud bomb and dragged him out of there. And we ran.”

It was happening again, the tunnel vision. I pictured the scene and froze in horror. I felt dizzy, even sitting down. Then Bull made a groaning sound, the way he did when his men weren’t focusing on their training.

“ _Boss_ ,” he said sternly. “That doesn’t sound like _bandits_ , does it?”

 _Fenedhis_. It hit me suddenly and hard. They had taken her to the caravan, they weren’t trying to kill them, they had hoods over their heads… “Slavers.”

Faravel finally turned around to look at me, his eyes wet and red. Lylan’s fists were clenched so hard his knuckles were white. Bull swallowed his drink in a gulp and put a hand on Lylan’s shoulder. He was so small, Bull could probably pick him up with just that one hand.

“Come on, Red,” He said. “You need to hit something. I’m sturdy. Besides, Seren has some letters to write, and a call to make.”

I nodded in agreement. “The two rooms across the hall are taken, but there’s one at the end of the hall set up. The rest of the Chargers have rooms paid for at the Hanged Man. Varric can show them the way.”

“You got it, Boss.” He and Lylan left the room, mugs in hand. Faravel stayed, still sipping his ale, still lost in thought. I sat with him on the bed, fully feeling how _much_  I missed him.

“Vel, stay with me tonight?” I felt the strangest anxiety that if he left my sight, I’d never see him again. Thankfully, he nodded quietly, placing his empty tankard on the table beside the bed and laying down.

“Are you alright, Seren?” He said as I found my spot beside him, gripping his hand in my own.

“I have so much to tell you,” I answered. “So much has been taken from me, I wonder how much of me is the Elf you remember. Tomorrow, I’ll tell you everything. Tonight, I need to speak to Dorian. Urgently.”

“That’s your Vhenan, lethalin?” He looked to me and I nodded. “Is he far? That’s why you speak through the enchanted crystal?”

A wistful sigh escaped me. “Quite far. He’s in Tevinter, to the very north. But I’m a fade-walker now, Vel. I can go to him when I sleep. He can help us find Lorei.”

I saw exhaustion flash across his face as his eyelids fluttered shut. “You’re right, Seren. You do have much to tell me.” The ale and the stress took us both to sleep quickly while the party went on still outside the door, and I found myself instantly in the Fade.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Translations:
> 
> Venadis, Falon: Stop, friend.
> 
> Mas Suledin: We'll endure it.
> 
> Ar garas ma sumeil: I'll come to you soon
> 
> Falon: friend
> 
> Somniari: Dreamer/fade walker


End file.
